I Failed Today

I failed today. I got up and went to work thinking I would at least try to Today today and I failed. By noon my boss had sent me home. My head is pounding, I feel queasy, and it’s been going on for a week. He says it sounds like the flu. I refuse to be sick. But today, I couldn’t Today.

I somehow am able to accept the failures of my mind. I can take time for myself when I know my soul needs it. My body, though… it and I don’t get along. We are not one the way my soul and I are. My body is an entity separate from me that I don’t understand. I feel I should have more control over it than I do. I don’t accept when it hurts and I try to master its needs. I usually fail. As I did today. As I’ve been doing for over a week.

For over a week, I have had a splitting headache. It feels like milder version of how I’ve heard migraines described. I am sensitive to light and nauseous. I have been sleeping mulitple hours longer than I usually do. I wake up refreshed and that is wonderful, but by mid afternoon I am ready to go to bed early again.

I went to work today. Today is Tuesday. I had not left the house since Thursday. Certainly that was enough time to relax and fight off whatever it is that has infested me. Certainly I would be well enough to Today today.

I could not. The light streaming in through my office window was like a sledgehammer hitting my skull in all parts at the same time. The conversations occurring around me made me want to curl up in a ball and shelter myself from the onslought of noise. The conversations with my boss were confusing and I had a hard time getting words out in an order that made sense because the pain in my mind was so distracting.

I had to keep my hands in front of my face. I didn’t realize I was doing it, but my cold hands on the skin of my face was somewhat of a relief.

By 11am he had suggested I go home. By noon I did. I have a doctor’s appt set up for Thursday and I’ll work from home again tomorrow.

I am angered, though. I am mad at my body for putting me through this. For putting me through all it puts me through. For not being easy. For hurting my soul instead of nourishing it.

I am trying to change my mindset. I am trying to nourish my body instead of expecting it to do so much for me without compensation in return. I am trying to be gentle with it, to offer it love and encouragement instead of feeling like it is an enemy to my happiness. I am trying. I thought I was on the right path. But right now, I am angry with it again. I do not want to be sick. I do not want to take a time out from my life. I want to enjoy routine. I want to have weeks in a row that are predictable and monotonous. I want to not feel this way. I want my head to not hurt. I want to feel alert and able to focus. I want to feel sharp. I want to get by with less than 10 hours of sleep per night. I want to exercise and eat healthy and have the energy to do both.

I am sick of not feeling at my best. I am royally sick of it. And I am angry, and hurt, and let down once again. My own flesh once again has betrayed me.

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