The Anxiety Wins

My anxiety has bested me. Not in the sense that I’ve spent the day curled up in bed hugging myself and wanting sobs to come out that stay frustratingly stuck inside, although that feeling is a pretty common one and I did sleep thirteen hours last night. No, in the sense that my stress has caused my muscles in my back, shoulders, and neck to seize up so tightly that they are responsible for a headache that has plagued me for going on two weeks.

I finally went to the doctor yesterday. After two weeks of motion, light, and noise causing my head to feel as though someone was hitting it with a hammer I finally went in and saw someone. If it were a bug, it should have started getting better by now. If it were a sinus infection, I wanted to take something to make it go away.

It was neither. There was nothing she could see that might be causing this except extreme tension.

I am literally wound so tight that I am making myself ill. I don’t know how to cure this. She prescribed some muscle relaxers, weekly massages, hot baths, and a few herbal pain relief things. But, weekly massages? Hot baths? That sounds (a) expensive and (b) like a pain in the ass.

Cleaning my bathtub so I’m not grossed out by the idea of sitting in it is just one more thing to add to a to-do list that already has me stressed out. Similarly… weekly massages? Where would I find the time or money for that? Neither idea sounds at all appealing or relaxing.

Driving is a headache trigger. The light of the outside, the movement of my vehicle and the things by the side of the road that speed by me, the need to concentrate on so many different things at once… It hurts so much that it honestly feels rather dangerous to try it.

Thus, I am at home. Today is Friday. Except for a brief attempt to go to work on Tuesday, I have barely left my house since last Thursday. It is ridiculous. I am lucky that I can work from home, but trying to focus for more than a couple hours at a time triggers intense head pain and dizzyness again.

I’m frustrated. I want this to be a thing that goes away and it doesn’t seem to be doing so. I want to feel like myself again.

It does make me wonder how long I have had this headache and how much I’ve been suppressing and ignoring it. I wasn’t feeling awesome all through the holidays, or for months beforehand, really.

I know there are people who aren’t tired all the time, who weather life just fine, who don’t want to spend all their time napping and who manage life tasks without feeling wiped out by it all constantly. I have no idea how they do it.

I’m just so sick of it. Sick of feeling this way about my life and now sick of the actual, literal, physical pain all my anxiety and depression is causing me to feel.

I don’t know how to relax and let go. I don’t know if there’s a way of doing so. Finances, laundry, exercise, eating well, grocery shopping, work, getting to work, what I’ll wear for work, getting all the work organized and completing all of it, keeping the cats fed and healthy, having a social life, all of it. It’s just too much and it’s impossible to let go of any one part of that.

And this is just while I’m single. I can’t imagine trying to date anyone, trying to bring anyone in on this. I feel like having someone in my life would be far more of an additional stressor than anything else. Seeing him, spending time with him… it would be one more thing to do.

And I want to meet someone someday. I really do. But when I feel like I do right now, I’m not lonely. I don’t want company. I don’t want to touch base with anyone, to answer questions about how I”m feeling, nothing. I want to be left alone.

I just don’t see how happiness is a possibility for me.


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