I woke up this morning to a world lightly frosted in snow. The evergreens outside my windows were brushed delicately with glimmering, glistening white. It’s the only snow we’ve experienced this year and there was just the right amount of it for my taste. Enough that it’s breathtakingly beautiful, but not enough that it severely impacts travel.
My coworkers and I all worked from home today, but by noon the icy roads had likely thawed enough that we could have gone in. We didn’t. It was a delightful work day.
Today was also the day that the local community college released the course roster for the Spring semester. I marked the date on my calendar weeks ago and have been counting down the days.
My eagerness was for a few reasons. First, I simply like learning. I enjoyed my classes in college and I liked being given assignments to do and receiving helpful feedback on my efforts.
Secondly, this last bout of depression showed me that I need more structure in my life than work and coming home. It was far too easy to spend three weeks barely leaving my house and not seeing people. It was hardly disruptive at all.
Third, I like the idea of meeting new people if I’m doing so in a classroom environment. Somehow the idea doesn’t scare me if it’s happening there.
And finally… it’s because I think one of the things causing my depression is my work situation.
That’s hard for me to admit because in general I very much like my job and the company I work for. I’ve been there for over a dozen years, though, and while it’s one thing to stay in a job that long voluntarily, it’s quite a different matter to be there because you don’t feel you can do much else.
The world has changed over the past dozen years, as the world will do, and I do not feel my skill set has evolved with the times. When I do look at job listings from time to time, I feel immediately overwhelmed and provincial. Why would they want me? Why do I think I might be able to keep up with new tasks, with learning new things?
These are not thoughts that lift one’s spirits. I am sure they are in large part due to my Narcissist telling me regularly that I was not bright. I did well in school; he did not. And yet, one of the many things of which I became convinced during our relationship was that I was of sub-par intelligence. It made sense to me at the time; why else did I always feel so weighed down by brain fog and confusion in situations that didn’t seem like they should be taxing?
I decided to do something about these negative feelings. I was always a good student. I will be again now. I found a non-credit course that will help me bring my skills up to date, and I have a hunch my confidence will improve as a result.
I am getting better. I am moving forward. I am actively looking for ways to take myself there.
Narcissistic recovery. One day at a time, one step at a time.