“But what if he sees this?”
What if the Narcissist sees what I’ve been writing? What if he finds my blog?
I wrote a bit the other day about my therapy session this week. What I didn’t mention was that this topic was discussed in the context of the rage I’ve been feeling towards my ex lately.
What if he finds my blog?
Honestly? While the “I don’t give a fuck” image I used above is funny, the fact is, I do care. But not in the way one might think.
My heart cries, “Come at me, bro,” and I don’t like it.
It isn’t emotionally healthy. What it says to me is that I have not gone fully ‘no contact.’ In a sense, I am hoovering him. On some subconscious level, I’m trying to draw him out, to taunt him, to get him to reach out to me, so I can get some closure with him.
On a conscious level, I know it wouldn’t work. I know this man well. He is not someone who directly confronts a situation, nor does he care at all what I might think of him.
So, what do I think would happen if he found this blog?
1. He wouldn’t actually read any post.
He doesn’t read. Nothing holds his interest unless it directly benefits him in some immediate way, which, obviously, my writing does not.
He might scan it quickly, but odds are good he’d glance at it, think, “Too many words,” and move on.
2. What he did see, he wouldn’t care about.
It’s hardly like he’s unfamiliar with being called a Narcissist. I could tell when I tried to discuss his NPD with him post-breakup that his response was well rehearsed.
His reply of, “Well but isn’t everyone on the narcissistic spectrum a little bit?” included all his dishonesty cues. The wide-open eyes, body leaning forward slightly, mouth somewhat agape, using the smile and false humility that he uses when attempting to charm someone.
He’d engaged in this exchange before. It doesn’t offend him or bother him to be called a Narcissist. He simply thinks the accuser is wrong.
3. I don’t matter.
He has zero reasons to care what I think. I am discarded supply. I am not an influencer.
The people that do matter to him now are his current sources of supply. In all likelihood, he would use this blog as collateral and enjoy telling people about it in order to get attention and sympathy.
Thus, I am free to say whatever I wish.
There is still a part of me that thinks about him reaching out, though. That thinks of making him angry, of hurting him, of causing him to react to me. And it worries me.
Is my behavior the sign of some bits of NPD in myself?
Do I wish to use him as supply? Am I lacking empathy? Do I wish to get a reaction out of him, any reaction at all, just to make myself feel powerful?
I’m dancing close to the fire and I recognize it.
The truth is if he did reach out, if he did engage, I would lose.
Do I want punishment from him? Do I miss it?
Am I longing for his attention and trying desperately to achieve it?
Is this the unhealthy trait in myself that drew me into the relationship, and perhaps why I stayed in it?
Yes. On some level, I feel this is what I deserve. I do not think myself worthy of better.
This is one of many things being addressed in therapy. But my therapist and I also discussed this blog as a source of healing for me.
The thoughts and feelings I am unpacking through my writing are helpful to me. I am not one who is good at thinking of words I wish to say at the moment when they should be said. When I write they all come out, but in conversation, I’m generally silent.
This blog is proving helpful in processing my feelings about having been in a relationship with a Narcissist.
I write daily and have for years, but I’ve kept my writing private. Sharing it is good for me. Feeling seen and heard after years of going without is good for me.
Feeling understood and empathized with builds confidence.
Is it a bad thing that thinking about the possibility of the Narcissist seeing these posts doesn’t fill me with fear? Or is it a sign of the stage of healing I’m in?
I recall thinking about the stages of grief a lot when I was first dealing with the breakup. Perhaps being in an anger phase again isn’t a bad thing.
When I think of him my feelings lean far more towards “fuck you” then fear. Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s a sign of strength. Maybe it’s a sign of healing.
Between you and me (and him if he ever should read this), it’s not where I want to be. I’d much rather be emotionally distanced. I’d much rather think of him with detachment.
I’d much rather think, “He is who he is, and he isn’t my problem anymore, and my life has nothing to do with him or anything about him.”
I suppose that will happen as more time passes and I should accept the stage I am in now, and work through it as feels healthy in the here and now.
Right now, in the here and now, I have a part of me that wants to fight him. Verbally, of course. Not physically. The reality is, though, he’d crush me either way. Someone with NPD will never fight fair, and I would lose no matter what.
It doesn’t matter, I suppose. The fight will never come. Closure with him will never be obtained.
And if he ever saw this blog? Odds are slim to none that I would ever find out.