Desperate for creative inspiration, I turned to Google and searched for inspiration.
Literally; it’s what I typed into the search bar.
I found the following quote on the website for The Chopra Center:
“There is but one cause of human failure and that is man’s lack of faith in his true self.“
– William James
I mulled this over for a bit. I am failing to write words I admire. This makes me wonder where I am lacking faith in myself.
There are a large number of areas where I am lacking faith in myself these days.
The main one on my mind right now is love. Mainly, sex.
Is sexual frustration partly to blame for my blocked creative energy?
While the idea of being in a relationship again makes me shudder in horror, perhaps the idea of casual dating does not.
Perhaps I could date and let the men I meet know I am not interested in jumping into anything serious all that quickly. Perhaps I might find someone who finds that acceptable and won’t pressure me to move forward faster than I’m comfortable with.
I’ve joked previously that the idea of getting dressed and leaving the house is my main deterrent to dating, but after a week or so of working out again, my attitude on that score is vastly improved.
I stand up straighter. I enjoy how my clothes drape on me better. I remember how to make eye contact and I’m smiling more.
The difference is startling.
It’s making me feel more courageous about possibly trying out dating again.
Dating without expectation of anything serious might be good for me. It could be a worthwhile exercise on a number of levels to get back out into the dating scene.
It would be my first time dating not with the intent of finding a boyfriend but rather, simply to meet nice people and get out of my comfort zone a little. I’m sure I’ll have ample opportunity to practice enforcing appropriate boundaries, as well.
Yes, it could be a good exercise on a number of levels.
If nothing else, I imagine my interactions and dates would inspire my writing. (Side note: Would it be horrible of me to start going on dates simply to come up with better topics for blog posts?)
Regardless, I’m now wondering if I am holding off on dipping my toe into the big weird wild world of dating because I lack faith in myself.
I know so much more than I once did. I dipped my toe in a teeny bit early last year and proved to myself how unlikely it is I’ll make the mistakes of the past over again. And yet, the idea of going on a date and having a lovely time is horrifying to me. It would make me emotionally vulnerable. It sounds miserable.
I can stomach the idea of a date going terribly. I can laugh about a terrible date! I can write about it!
But if a date goes well? I don’t know what I’d do. I can’t imagine it happening.
When I think about trying to date I think about men not liking me. I think about rejection. I think about everything about me I learned from the Narcissist is absolutely anathema to the males of our species.
When I think about dating, I think, “Who would want me?”
Ah. And there it is, the thought that has been hovering around in my subconscious for so long.
I am putting off dating because I assume my attempts to date will be wholly unsuccessful.
I am putting off dating because I am not seeing myself as someone anybody would want to date.
I am failing at love because I lack faith in my true self.
I think it’s time to conquer this mountain.
It’s time to start dating again.