This blog post is titled, “How Not to Answer, ‘How Are You?’” The alternate title I thought of was, “How to make everything really fucking awkward all the time for no reason at all.”
Friend: How are you?
Me: I’m… good? I think I’m good. I’m doing okay right now. Bad depressive cycle ended mid February and I’ve been pretty good for a few weeks. So I think I’m good. It’s scary because I feel like I don’t know how long it will last, but what can ya do. So I just keep on keeping on and doing the best I can, you know?
Working out helps. That’s been really good for me.
And I think I’m going to try Tinder again.
And I’m looking forward to going back East and seeing my family in a few weeks. Except I have that aunt with no filter who says super hurtful things without realizing she’s crushing my soul, so, I’m not looking forward to that part at all. But otherwise it should be a really good trip, so, that’s good.
I just feel a lot of the time like I’m waiting for a shoe to drop. Like, sure, right now feels good… but is it going to last? Is this secure? Can I make plans? Can I hope? Can I dream? Or is the crippling depression going to return at any moment and will I be unable to function again for… well, for some unknowable length of time again?
I can’t enjoy happiness. It feels too fragile. It feels far too much like something that will slip through my fingers and smash onto the floor if I… well, no matter what I do, really. It doesn’t feel like something solid. It doesn’t feel like anything I can rely on.
So, how am I? I’m getting by. I’m relieved when a day is a good day and I hope to god the next one will be a good day as well.
Anyway. That was long. How are you?