I woke up angry today. It was 4:30am and I woke up and I was full of self righteous rage.
It’s entirely possible it was simply because it was 4:30am and I didn’t need to be awake for another hour and a half.
I’m inclined to think it’s also because my period is due today.
I have too much on my plate right now.
It is the time of month when feelings I have been suppressing swell and explode, sometimes with volcanic intensity, depending on how pent up they’ve been.
This month, what is bubbling to the service is anger and frustration at myself that I am not managing my life responsibilities well.
I am sickened by the state of my home. It is a mess, far beyond what I find acceptable or excusable.
I am disgusted by my inability to stay organized at work.
I am revolted by how infrequently I’ve been working out.
I am horrified by how far behind I’ve fallen on meal planning.
I am repulsed by my wardrobe and my lack of appropriate attire.
I am beating myself up today. Everything I am feels Not Enough.
I am comparing myself with my Ideal Me and I find the Actual Me wanting.
I know where I want my mentality to be. I want to accept and love myself as I am today. I want to do the best I can and congratulate each small achievement. I want to focus on the positive, not bemoan what has not been accomplished.
I hope as I wake up and enter my day I will remember how to practice love and compassion towards myself.
I must remember:
I am enough. I am enough. I am enough.
[EDIT] For more on embracing imperfection and having patience with oneself and the neverending healing journey, I highly recommend this post from And There Was Light. (Thanks, friend. I think you’re pretty perfect, too. Keep on keeping on.)