I plan to see the gentleman again this week. It will be the third time we see each other.
I am having anxious thoughts about kissing. Yet, as soon as I write those words I realize how silly that is. If he wants to kiss me and I’m not ready or willing I will say no. If that’s a problem he isn’t someone I wish to know.
It would be disappointing but certainly not the end of my world.
I do not owe anyone my body. I do not need to indulge someone’s desire for me. I am not obligated to do all I can to please people and keep them happy with me.
I shouldn’t kiss or do anything else if I’m doing it from a place of fear, doing it because I fear not doing so will be displeasing to them and cause them to not like me.
I’m thinking about it, though, and I think it may be what I’ve done in the past.
I’m not sure I’ve ever waited until I was emotionally ready to engage in physical intimacy with someone. I think it’s possible it has always happened sooner, either because it felt good and I wanted it to happen for physical reasons or, as was the case with the Narcissist, it seemed to be what was expected of me.
I didn’t want to disappoint.
Now I understand my body is mine. I will wait to share it with someone until it feels right to me. And that person will be someone who respects my self and person, not someone who demands access to my body as a condition of knowing me.
It seems such a basic concept. This is not respect for myself that I have put into practice in the past. I am looking forward to experiencing happier and healthier physical relationships in my future.