Depressive Cycles: Learning What’s Real

I want to write for a living but I fear I’m a terrible writer.

I am ashamed of my desires and think it’s unlikely I’ll succeed in realizing them.

I sit here with my morning coffee and I want to cry. I want to weep for all I am not and am unlikely to ever be.

The feelings of inevitability and despair are familiar and boring. They hurt.

They threaten to pull me down into darkness.

They irritate me.

I know they are not real. It is not a constant that I will feel this way.

I think about what might be causing them today, this morning, right now.

Ah yes… Some writing I did at work was critiqued yesterday.

I remind myself the piece was not in my preferred medium. It was a few 3-4 line marketing blurbs. Benefits lists. Not long-form explanations.

I’m horrible at those. I tell myself this is okay.

I think also about the mysterious pain in my left shoulder, wrist, hip, and ankle that plagued me all day yesterday, distracting me and making normal movement impossible.

I recall that I used too many spoons the previous night. I recall I’ve been doing so for many days in a row.

I recall that I am worn down right now.

I am out of spoons. I am trying to get by with borrowed spoons too many days in a row and my spoon debt has caught up with me.

My body hurts.

A depressive cycle looms in front of me and threatens to pull me in.

These are the consequences of trying to do too much.

The thought patterns when I am in this state are not real.

The feelings are real. The body pains are real.

The thought patterns are not.

Of course, my writing is not terrible. Of course, I have no reason to feel shame about my life dreams.

This weekend, I will try to recharge. I will lie around and watch movies. I will prepare easy, nourishing food for myself. If my body allows it, I will go for a gentle, comfortable walk.

It is a depressive cycle, and I will cycle through it. It helps when I remind myself that these are cycles and they do pass. Sometimes it takes a few days, and sometimes it is hard to discern “right now” emotions from “forever” emotions, and that’s okay.

My track record for getting through these is 100%.

This too shall pass.

What are your thoughts on this post?

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.