I’ve been in depressive cycles far more than out of them over the past few months. Yesterday, I finally reached out to my larger tribe and asked for their support.
My smaller tribe, the people I talk to most often, know what I’m going through. Even with them, though, I’ve held back a fair bit.
With the smaller group, it’s not that I don’t trust them, but rather that I don’t know what to say. The words don’t come and when they do they don’t make sense or describe what’s going on, even to my own ears. Also, sometimes it’s nice to allow the distraction afforded by a conversation on other topics.
With the larger group, it’s that I didn’t trust. I’m sure there are a few people in my larger tribe that are not trustworthy. It’s too large a group for that to not be the case. Odds are high there are a few toxic folks who I should kick to the curb. I don’t know who they are, but I’m sure there are at least a couple.
The large majority, though, are good people who have had my back for years. Decades, even.
Asking for support was the right thing to do. What I have been doing by way of self-care wasn’t working. I felt isolated and alone.
The risk of public mockery was minimal and the potential for reward was sufficient.
I’ve always been an avid Facebook user. I have always been honest about what is going on with me, even when it’s dark and messy.
Keeping to myself instead of being open and honest meant I was listening to and reinforcing thought patterns saying I was unworthy of kindness.
I wasn’t allowing the positive voices to speak. I was trying to be my own positive voice, but that’s not a burden I’m able to carry right now. I fail at it miserably every day, and it became yet another negative thought pattern to latch on to.
I’m glad I reached out. I don’t know what more I will do from here but I’m glad I took that step yesterday. I feel seen.