This was something I wrote a year ago (May 13, 2017), a few days after I was able to go ‘no contact’ with the Narcissist. It was helpful to me, today, to read it through.
I hope it proves helpful to you, as well.
I have not spoken to or seen the Narcissist since then. (Update: Still true as of this date in 2019.)
The turmoil of the past few years is finally coming to a close.
Within a month I’ll have moved into my new home.
I’m elated and yet still in shock. I needed everything to work out so badly. For weeks there were delays on the final settlement on our house, our house which we had purchased together and which he was buying out my half of from me. Despite my requests, then begging, then legal action, I wasn’t given any information about the cause for these delays.
It was the last thing he could feel in control of, the last way he would ever be able to torture me, and he let it drag on for as long as possible.
The bright side, the sliver of a silver lining, was seeing the Narcissist continue to behave in a manner that confirmed my decision to leave him.
The downside was having no idea when I would be able to finally go “no contact.”
I fought the urge to give in to feelings of hopelessness. My subconscious wanted to convince me the buyout would fail and I would need to go through a lengthy and painful house prep and sale with the Narcissist. I struggled against allowing these thoughts.
Hope seemed ridiculous. It didn’t seem possible things would work out.
And yet, they did. Granted, the settlement finally came through with only two days to spare before I was scheduled to close on my new home, but what matters is it happened. I am done.
I do not have to suffer through months of fixing up and selling a house with the Narcissist. I can leave the Narcissist and the house we once owned behind me.
It will now be possible to move on. It’s over. All of it is actually over. At long last, I can go completely ‘no contact’ with the Narcissist.
He will be left abandoned, as is deserved.
It is a time, a brief moment of pause before the frenzy of signing closing documents and moving begins, when I can reflect on all that has occurred over these years of knowing him. The whole experience of the relationship and the breakup has shown me so much I didn’t know of myself.
I learned about focusing on desired outcomes, knowing my worth, standing up for myself, and not sweating the small stuff.
I learned to have confidence things will work out while understanding I can handle it if they do not.
I learned the importance of staying present in reality and not getting sucked into the emotions of imagined future scenarios.
I learned I’m much stronger than I ever previously gave myself credit for.
And I learned a lot about things I still need to work on, particularly the importance of letting go of shame.
He told me repeatedly I was deeply flawed and he was right, and it’s okay that I knew that, and heard him, and wanted to work on myself. That alone was not what was wrong with the relationship.
Listening to him, loving him, being willing to grow and evolve as an individual and wanting to make him happy does not need to be a cause of shame.
I can appreciate lessons learned from him and simultaneously appreciate that we were not good together.
The relationship failing is not a personal failure.
However, there were a lot of things that happened that simply were not okay. The Narcissist was psychologically and emotionally abusive towards me.
Until the relationship ended and I no longer was the focus of his actions I was not able to see the pattern of his behavior clearly. Until I emerged from his house of mirrors I did not know I had been in one. In the course of making those realizations and starting to become whole again, I learned that I can fall apart.
I can fall apart. I can lose control. I do not need to present as strong all the time. The world will not stop turning, people will not stop loving me or supporting me. In fact, being open when I am in a state of crisis allows my people to teach me how to make it through.
I learned more about my people in this way. I learned who to go to when I want to be pulled out of the muck and who will be there for me when I need to wallow. I learned who had similar experiences in their pasts, who hasn’t but is a wellspring of empathy regardless, and who loves me and is there for me despite not really understanding what I was going through. I developed a renewed appreciation for having a variety of people in my group.
I learned being weak and emotionally vulnerable presents an opportunity for learning and growth when one knows good people.
I learned I know seriously good people.
Finally, I learned who I am and I learned strength in Self. I developed confidence and awareness that I’m certain will result in a happier, healthier life from this point forward.
As my nana said the other day, “I know your future will be a happy one because you now know the difference.”
It’s been eight months since the day he threatened violence if I didn’t obey him. Eight long months since the day I said “no more” and ended our relationship. And yet, it’s been only three weeks since I moved out. And it’s only been two days since I was able to remove myself from his sphere of influence completely.
Two days ago, I was finally able to go no contact.
I’m at the beginning of an entirely new chapter. C’mon world. Let’s do this.