I’m not healed yet, but I’m better than I once was.
A year ago yesterday I wrote a long post about having made it through the yuck and being able to go no contact. I published it here yesterday.
It’s been a full year of not having the Narcissist in my life but he’s still around me all the time. His voice remains in my head and I argue with him far more than is good or healthy.
A year ago, I promised myself I was going to get out and do more. I haven’t.
I was going to join running groups, choirs, take classes, get involved with the local Jewish community, and do tons of other things that would get me out of the house to meet people.
I’m moving slower than I thought I would in that regard. I haven’t done those things. I don’t have the energy or stamina at all.
What I have done is a lot of thinking and planning.
I’ve spent a lot of time relaxing and figuring out how to be me again; what that means and where I want to go in life.
I’ve spent time thinking about my ideal life and what it looks like, and how one might go about achieving it.
I’ve managed significant work upheaval that sapped my energy.
I’ve worked on healing.
No, I’m not healed yet. But I’m a hell of a lot better than I was.
I know our situations are totally different but I feel like I am moving through grief at a slower pace than I thought I would. I just try to remind myself that baby steps in the right directions are still steps in the right direction. We are healing one baby step at a time.
We really are. This arbitrary goal of “I will be at this specific stage in resolving my grief at this specific time,” is ridiculous and serves nobody. We’re moving forward and that’s all that matters.
“I’m moving slower than I thought”
But you are moving. Healing is not linear nor does it proceed at a consistent pace. Every day you spend any energy at all being mindful and aware of your movement away from abuse is progress.
THANK YOU for this. I need these reminders and I appreciate you.