Underneath it all, I’m still lonely and miserable, but I’m doing my best to focus on the moment and be my best self in each situation I’m in.
This means performing well at work, trying to eat well and exercise, keeping my head on straight as I flow through life.
It isn’t easy right now.
The post-travel blues I suspected would hit me hard after my trip have Thor-hammer walloped me upside the head and left me dazed on the ground trying not to sob from the pain of it.
Planning another trip can only do so much to cure this pain, this far in advance of a not-yet-determined travel date.
The bright side of this downturn is realizing I’m missing companionship.
This does not align with how I see myself, and I’m a fan of personal revelations. They tend to foster positive growth.
I’ve always thought of myself as an introvert. I felt being around people drained my energy. Now I’m wondering if it’s just certain people or activities, and if in a general sense, I actually prefer companionship to solitude.
Most likely the answer lies somewhere in the middle. Perhaps, I’ve skewed so far into total hermitdom during this past almost 2 years of recovery that I’m craving a complete reversal of course now that I’m feeling better.
In a general sense, I’m not one who tends to explore middle ground. I live in extremes. The pendulums swing hard and rarely rest.
This is good for me to recognize. I’ve had periods in the past where my extroversion has become wildly out of control, and they were followed by long periods of intense introversion, and neither made me happy or were sustainable.
It’s nice that I’m craving companionship and being social again. I will be sure to not overdo it, though. I will be sure to not allow partying and drinking to be a substitute for real connections, as I have in the past.
I will pursue activities that strengthen and better me as a person; physically, mentally, emotionally, psychologically. I will not participate in ventures that wipe me out or lack any chance of longevity.
I will seek the calm and nurturing, the smart and fun, over the energetic and high drama.
I wish I didn’t have this humming in the background of my thoughts, this constant whisper of, “I bet you’ll meet a man that way.”
It’s my mother’s voice in my head, my mother’s hope for me, that any endeavor I undertake, any path I traverse will lead to my one true love. She’s rather adorably a hopeless romantic, that one.
In order to achieve my goals, in order to get to know people and form quality relationships without expectation or selfishness about who they might be for me and whether they’ll be a “rescuer” who will “save” me from a miserably lonely existence, it’s imperative I keep thoughts of romance on the back burner right now.
I will embark on my new slightly more extroverted course with zero expectations about romance.
If I did not, I would fall into the same pattern that has led to disaster for me in the past. I would look at someone and hope they are the one, and fail to see all they really are. I would give far too many chances because I don’t want to let go of my dreams of the person becoming a life partner.
I refuse to go through that again. Either something will happen slowly, organically, without intense expended effort to make it happen, or no romance will happen at all.
The only reason I will become romantically involved with someone is if I have known them a while and it has happened without me noticing or willing it to.
I will not date. I will not “husband hunt.” I will befriend new men who enter my social sphere without future fantasies.
But if I’m being honest… Damn, having some more male energy in my life, having a man around that there is a spark of attraction with, would be pretty intensely amazing.