I’ve decided it’s time to change things up a bit.
That’s what a smart person does when things aren’t working, right? They don’t keep trying the same thing over and over again. They change their strategy.
I’d like to consider myself a smart person, or at least someone smart enough to mimic smart people. Thus, it’s time for a change.
Here’s the score: I started this blog without meaning for it to be a blog.
I didn’t think anyone might actually be interested in reading my thoughts. This medium was a logical means by which I could write every day and organize my mind.
It quickly became obvious I had Really Big Emotions swirling inside about the Narcissist. My free-writing sessions almost always involved processing realizations about him and the way I allowed myself to be treated for so long.
The theme, however, always fell to Really Big Emotions and navigating my way through them.
As the months continued, I started thinking about him less and thinking about myself more. My posts gradually transitioned into thoughts about moving forward and healing, and what that looked like to me.
After a while, I started feeling beholden to you, my readers. I started pressuring myself to post regularly, regardless of whether I had deeply meaningful thoughts to convey or not.
In fact, I’m not really having big, complex, Really Big Emotions anymore.
Two months ago, I started taking Wellbutrin (for depression). A month prior, I had restarted taking Concerta (for ADHD) after an 8-year hiatus. Gradually, as my doctor and I have tweaked dosage amounts and my body has adjusted, it has ceased to be a struggle to feel, understand, and navigate Really Big Emotions.
I’m having normal emotions, or what I imagine normal emotions to be. I feel things. I haven’t gone numb. But I am able to recognize what I am feeling and why, what may have caused it, and whether or not it’s a temporary emotion or requires any action.
I don’t get lost in a mental or emotional spin cycle like I used to.
I no longer need hours of writing in order to make sense of my mind. I understand and manage things that are going on with my emotional state far more easily.
I feel good these days. Really good, actually. But, as stated above, it has led to me writing less. The times I’ve created blog posts recently haven’t felt like quality work I can be proud of. It’s felt inauthentic.
This is because I’ve changed. Trying to do what I’ve done before isn’t working. Longer form posts aren’t always in me. Deep thoughts or recounting of memories aren’t where my head is.
I’m realizing I’m so much more than someone who is recovering from narcissistic abuse and battling body image issues.
I’m so much more than depression, anxiety, PTSD, self-esteem problems, and so on.
I’m a curl care and nail polish enthusiast. I’m a strong advocate for feminism and against ageism. I’m a single, sex-positive, cisgender caucasian female in her early 40s who is attempting to navigate the world of dating and, for the first time, non-monogamous relationships, and there are many aspects of all of those things on which I regularly have cause to ponder. I’m a cat momma and animal lover. I’m someone who hates to buy, prep, cook food but loves to eat healthily. I’m a female who has worked in the tech industry for many years.
There are so many parts of me that I’m ignoring in my writing because I feel obligated to stick to the theme that brought you here and made you choose to be a follower.
From here on out, though, I’m going to try something different. I’m going to see what it’s like to post more frequently again. My posts might be [hopefully] funny little snippets from my day. They might be something else entirely. I don’t know yet.
I’m going to show you who I am. All of me. Not just the sadness, not just the parts related to emerging from past abuse and finding ways of moving forward. All the things about me that are simply me. The things that are interesting to me in any given moment, that may have nothing to do with anything I’ve written before or will write again after.
I hope you’re willing to come along for what might be a bumpy ride, and you will offer feedback if you sense something is working.
And I hope you’ll laugh with me and cheer me on as we travel together to figure out what the heck kind of writer I am.
Thank you. ❤️