Abigail’s 12-year adoptiversary was yesterday and I spent it celebrating the hell out of her, which I’m sure she didn’t understand but appreciated greatly. The feature photo for today’s post shows her on adoption day vs now. A significant difference, no?
Onward. In unrelated news…
Things with the sexy professor have taken a turn.
I’ve come to realize that while I love spending time with him, I don’t want a romantic relationship with him.
It’s taken very long deliberation to come to this conclusion, and it’s one I’m certain about.
Once it was reached I felt myself starting to emotionally withdraw from him. Conversations felt like falsehoods. I was being dishonest acting like everything was normal when I knew this not to be the case.
It needed to be addressed. I had to do something, and that thing was to tell him I didn’t want to see him romantically anymore. Romance isn’t in the cards for what we will have together. I like him, very much, and it was hard to tell him this, but I did it.
I ended things with the sexy professor. I’m a bit sad, but confident it was the right thing to do.
On a separate note, I’m struggling with polyamory a little. It’s new to me, so I don’t want to assume polyamory isn’t for me because I’m feeling some initial discomfort, but I am wondering if it’s something I’ll be inclined to pursue long-term.
Even though I wasn’t terribly into the sexy professor, it bothered me when I knew he was on dates. I wasn’t jealous, but it sat weirdly with me. I’ve yet to determine if it was just because polyamory is new to me or if there was something more going on.
Perhaps, it was just that I was jealous that he was meeting more new people than I am. My gut leans heavily towards this idea.
I spent some time thinking on it last night and thinking about having a primary person in my life, or even entering into another monogamous relationship.
It feels as though I’d need to choose between a steady partnership and pursuing the nomadic and free lifestyle I dream of. I can’t fathom having the future I’m planning while partnered. The experiences I’m working towards are ones that would be hindered by having someone with me, not enhanced.
It’s nice to not feel anxiety about these things, though, and to know I don’t need to have it figured out right away. These are questions to ask, not major quandaries that are sending me into emotional spiral.
I’m aware and observing my feelings and thoughts, and seeing where they lead.
Life is for living, and can’t be planned down to every last detail. I can’t control or anticipate every possible scenario or outcome. I can, however, make sure I’m happy and comfortable in my present day, and that it loosely aligns with who I want to be and what I’m working to build.
And in my present day… I had a pretty amazing first date with someone last night. I’m grinning ear to ear this morning.