I’ve entered a depressive cycle for the first time in ages.
There are plenty of possible causes.
It’s February. Historically, February is the start of an emotional downturn that tends to last into late June. I’d hoped with the new medication this would be avoided this year, but apparently, such is not the case.
Valentine’s Day isn’t exactly joyous, in and of itself. Whether I’m in a relationship or not, it’s a day that always brings sadness.
Plus, the Narcissist’s birthday is next week. I’m finding this more difficult than last year, for some reason.
I know my self-care could use some tweaks. I’m not getting up and being active like I know I should. I plan to get to the gym today, for the first time in about a week or so. Sweat and movement might get positive juices flowing. Feelings of stagnation will definitely contribute to emotional lows for me.
There’s also the most obvious potential cause for a depressive cycle: Cookie.
Whatever it is that’s happening with Cookie, I’m concerned it might not be emotionally healthy. I’m thinking about him constantly, always hoping I’m about to hear from him, only rarely doing so. His response time to any communication might be 5 minutes, or it might be a day and a half. I never know what to expect.
I spent the last two days crying. On Tuesday, because I wasn’t sure whether I was going to see him or not that evening, and on Wednesday because I didn’t really hear from him all day.
We had a great time hanging out Tuesday night… or so I thought.
I told him I care. I don’t think I said anything out of proportion with where things are between us. I was honest; I like the guy. I care. Maybe saying so was a mistake. I don’t know. But it was true and it was real, and if it was wrong to say it, I’d rather know now than go down a path where our dynamic requires I hold myself back in ways that feel inauthentic and unnatural.
He has said similar things to me, frequently. I hadn’t felt able to yet.
On Tuesday, I didn’t hold back with him. I felt comfortable in his presence. I was open-hearted and loving in my body language and demeanor. I was confident and didn’t hide who I am. I’m proud of these things.
On Wednesday (yesterday) I was feeling vulnerable and exposed, and not hearing from him put me in a panic. I was full of self-doubts, and nervous, and sad. The negative self-talk I’ve been so happy staying away from was back in full force. I thought horrible things about myself. When I lay down in bed last night, I started sobbing uncontrollably as soon as my body relaxed.
After our quality time Tuesday night, after our talks, after how open we were able to be with each other, I was feeling more affection for him than ever. He tells me the reasons for his often delayed replies are his feelings of being overwhelmed by life and too busy to reply. I know the folly of accepting excuses like this, though. He’s tethered to his phone constantly. He could easily send short texts more frequently. He chooses not to. He often chooses not to.
Michelle Obama once said, “Good relationships feel good.”
I’ve been very excited about this guy and getting to know him. Each new thing I learn about him makes me like him even more. It’s been a delightful month or so in which I’ve been in a near constant state of romantic bliss.
Cookie is someone I could love very easily. He is a wonderful man and I appreciate so much about him.
I am not getting the sense he feels the same about me, though. He says he likes me, he acts as though he does, but something about it feels a little less, a little different, than what I know I want. It feels utterly conditional. I am often very anxious about him, thinking there’s a decent chance I’ll never hear from him again, that something I say or do might all too easily cause him to disappear forever.
I know what it feels like to feel secure about someone, to know where their head is, even at the early stages of getting to know them. With Cookie, I don’t feel that.
I feel as though I am being buffeted by a harsh wind, hoping to be plucked out of the gale and held close and safe for a brief period before I’m tossed back into the storm.
It’s not what I want.
The dynamic I see evolving between us isn’t working for me.
Crying more than smiling isn’t working for me.
I suspect it’s time to move on.
I also suspect it’s not a good time to make any hasty decisions. These feelings are good to notice and give weight to, but it would not be wise to take any action right now.
I can see myself getting in touch with Cookie and ending things with him in order to give this emotional downturn something concrete to hang on to.
If things with Cookie ended, I would have a logical, defensible reason to feel low. Not having it be a vague, hovering darkness that I can’t quite place the cause of would be an improvement.
It would not be a healthy course of action, though. Perhaps I will decide to end things with Cookie at some point soon, but I understand doing so right now is inadvisable.
What is far healthier is this:
Pull back a little bit. Purposefully find more to occupy my brain and my time. Engage in better self-care.
Make absolutely certain I am not doing what I promised myself I would never do again:
Letting a man’s behavior towards me determine my state of mind and feelings of self-worth.