A wallop right in the gut hit me out of the blue the other day. Exactly two years prior, the Narcissist and I agreed on the terms for him buying me out of our house.
The Facebook memory brought memories of the stress and emotional anguish that followed. It was only the first milestone of so very many, and it had been miserable trying to get to even that point. The exhaustion was already overwhelming, and there was a long road left to travel before I’d be able to move out and go no contact.
Cookie knows the Narcissist was an unwell person, but I haven’t told him much by way of details. Lacking information made Cookie see this anniversary as something to celebrate.
I clarified that I was feeling yucky and desirous of cuddles rather than celebrating. I opted not to get further into it via text, though.
I couldn’t come up with a way to summarize my feelings. I couldn’t shake the nagging idea that Cookie had had the right idea.
The anniversary was, perhaps, something worthy of celebration.
Agreeing on terms was only the first of many important milestones. Clawing my way past each milestone was agony, it’s true. I worked hard to get what the law said I should. My sanity suffered, and I forged ahead anyway. I didn’t stop fighting until I received the agreed upon buyout amount, bought a new home, and was able to move.
Even then, I wasn’t done with the fighting.
At the time, I thought the finish line, the final milestone, was moving into my new place. It was the goal I focused on. It was my everything.
I was wrong. It wasn’t the actual end goal. It wasn’t the final milestone. I had been mistaken in thinking once I moved everything would be okay.
The biggest challenge of all came next, after no contact was possible. The biggest challenge of all was getting the Narcissist out of my head.
It’s taken almost two years. It’s required intense therapy. It’s required I go on medication.
And now it’s all in my past. I’ve won. I got out of an abusive relationship, I got what I deserved out of the house. I’ve created a new life.
At some point along the way, without me recognizing it, the Narcissist’s voice left my head. I left him in my past where he belongs.
I healed. I am now where I never thought I would be again.
Happy. I am happy.
Two years ago I hit the first of many major milestones. I’m not sure at what point I hit the last one, but it’s now in my past, too.
There’s nothing but clear, unobstructed, open road ahead.
An agreement to my terms for the buyout was the first of many major milestones, and it is worthy of celebration.
It and the anniversaries for the other milestones are all worthy of celebration.
In fact… I am worthy of celebration. I, too, am worthy of celebration.