Two years removed

On this day in 2017:

8am: Set self up on couch, start work.

10:00am: Leave for escrow company to go sign the deed to the house over to the ex.

10:30am: Have breakdown at escrow company, force a lovely and very kind escrow company employee to suffer through a crazy woman’s sobbing fit and inability to reliably hold on to a pen or write her name.

10:40am: Sign the paperwork.

10:45am: Continue sobbing fit in car.

11:30am: Meet realtor at the condo I looked at last weekend for a revisit.

12pm: Long talk with realtor re: condo.

1pm: Get home, set self up on couch, get back to work.

2pm: Hear back from realtor, questions have been answered, condo is a go. Make plan to submit offer.

2:15pm: Get back to work.

4:15pm: See post on Facebook from friend, “If anyone needs me I’ll be on my patio enjoying cocktails.” Send text to friend. “I need you.”

4:30pm: Get much needed hugs, enjoy some wine and a lovely dinner made by friend’s husband.

8:30pm: Get home, settle in.

9:00pm: Review HOA docs and offer letter, prep for morning call with realtor.

9:35pm: Write Facebook post because HOLY COW WTF OMG THIS DAY.

I was shocked to break down like I did while signing the deed. I knew I had feelings about doing so, but it’s clear I hadn’t yet owned the extent of them.

Not being able to make my hand work was scary. I understood what was happening and knew I’d be fine once I had a minute, but I’ve never had anything like that happen before.

I recognize now that I’ve failed to acknowledge to myself how intense and hard the whole process of ending the relationship and moving towards no contact has been. It’s been so many months of needing to stay strong. I haven’t allowed myself to step back and fully understand the challenge I’ve been getting through. I’ve kept my head on straight and focused on the tasks of each day, doing my best to acknowledge and process any emotions that come my way but knowing I was nowhere near done with the adventure.

Thus, now that I’ve had more time to think on it, I think my tears while signing over the deed were ones of gratitude and relief, along with the expected feelings of sadness.

This is almost done. This period of my life is almost at an end. My tears were my body letting go and finally being able to release some of the stress I’ve been carrying.

It’s sad to let go of the dreams of the life I hoped to have with him… but letting go of the reality of what existed with him will be amazing.

Today (2019):

I’m stronger, more self-aware, more emotionally healthy than I’ve ever been before and ever thought myself capable of being.

I made it through that awful period and put my broken pieces back together into a configuration I feel great about.

And tomorrow, I will embark on an entirely new adventure. This one is deliberate. This one is something I’ve dreamed of doing for decades but never thought courage or finances would allow for.

Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow, I leave for France.

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