I published a blog post yesterday that was horribly indulgent. I see that now. I wrote it for me, not for you.
I’m a bit embarrassed, but I’ve learned a lesson I have a hunch I’ll remember. I feel like I might even understand where I went wrong. My gut was telling me the post wasn’t quite right as I was writing it. I’ll recognize that instinct moving forward. I’ll do better in the future and I’m excited to do so.
Anyway, apologies for the super long, super indulgent post yesterday.
I’m flying back to Oregon today after a week in my home state of Massachusetts.
I love spending time with my family, particularly my dad and stepmom, who are always kind enough to let me stay with them while I’m in town.
I wish I could visit more often, but on this particular trip, I don’t wish I could stay longer. I miss having my own space, and I miss my cats far more than I usually do when I travel.
There is a part of me that wishes I lived closer to Massachusetts, so I could jump in the car and see everyone more easily and frequently.
Perhaps it will happen someday.
I found myself having these thoughts while here, these thoughts of wishing I lived closer. I caught myself noticing for sale signs on houses and paying attention when we passed condo complexes.
I would like to wind up back in New England at some point in my life. I have a few more adventures to experience first, but it will probably happen someday.
For now, for better or for worse, Oregon is my home and it is where I will, happily, return to today. My mood is exuberant. The wedding is over and I am looking forward to returning to normal life (and normal levels of anxiety) for a little while.
I’m looking forward to a few dates I’ve set up for the next week or so, too. There are three different guys from OkCupid I have plans to see and I’m eager to meet all of them. This includes the Christopher Gorham lookalike, who I’m meeting for drinks after work on Friday.
It’s exciting. All of it is exciting. The fact that I’m going home today and my mood is better than it’s been in months is incredible and exciting. I don’t think I’ve felt this lightness in my chest, this ability to breath easily and feel joy, in many months.
All the whispers in my head telling me all the reasons I do not deserve happiness weighed me down. For now, at least, the negative self-talk is gone. I feel optimistic about what the next few weeks might bring.
Is this because I spent some time with family? Is it because I was out in the sun more than usual? Is it because Massachusetts feels like home?
Most likely, it is a combination of all three.
Mainly, though, it does feel like home here. There are things about being here in Massachusetts that I love, very much. It’s not only seeing family. It’s the culture of Massachusetts, or perhaps New England. (Not Boston. Sadly, I didn’t make it into Boston at all this time around.)
I understand things better here. I fit in. It’s comfortable.
The first time the Narcissist flew back here with me he commented on it. I remember it well. He said, “In Oregon, I can always find you when we’re out because you stick out so much. Here I can’t find you when we’re in a crowded space! You look just like everyone else!”
I’m sitting at Logan Airport with a beer as I type this. My flight will start boarding soon.
Everything here at Logan feels a bit run down. It’s true at the airport and everywhere else I was this week. Everything is just a bit shabby, just a bit unmaintained. And yet there’s a charm in that. Sure, everything is outdated and crappy, but it’s ours and we don’t want it changed.
The signage sucks and nobody knows how to get anywhere, but it makes getting there an accomplishment to be proud of.
There’s a bit of a “fuck you” about everything here, and I love it. There’s a straightforwardness that is comfortable.
Oregon is my adopted home and I adore it. I don’t plan to leave anytime soon. But Massachusetts… being here is coming home again. Being here feels like belonging.