I’ve been home for two nights. The wedding is over. I have a whole summer in front of me with no plans at all. I can relax, enjoy myself, do whatever I please.
There is nothing going on that might cause me anxiety.
But I’m still a mess and I don’t know why. I thought when the wedding was over I would feel better and I don’t. Not at all.
It might be my body. I am so out of shape that it’s ridiculous. At the wedding, my mom wanted me out on the dance floor with her like I usually am. I barely lasted half a song before feeling winded. Mom, however, was out there all night.
Yesterday, I walked across my parking lot to the dumpster and felt my heart rate skyrocket.
It’s uncomfortable and nervous-making, how unhealthy I am right now.
I’ve resolved to lose weight, but I clearly need to focus on more than just dieting. I haven’t exercised in many months and that’s really bad for a person’s health.
I’m going to start doing some light exercises at home every morning. Nothing intense; just something to get some amount of strength and confidence back.
I wish I felt going to the gym (where I still have a membership) or even going for walks in my neighborhood were options for me. Maybe they will be someday, but not now. The idea of trying to exercise in front of strangers is overwhelming. I see myself through their eyes and feel pity and revulsion. I don’t want to be in front of people any more than absolutely necessary right now.
I wish I felt differently about my size. I feel unworthy because I am so huge. I fear mocking; I hear it in my head and I know it’s coming from me, and I wish it would go away.
I wish I could be loving and patient towards myself. I want to look and feel physically better. That’s a good thing, right? I want to reward and love my body instead of feeling this desire to punish it for having gotten this big.
What’s crazy, though, is despite these anxious feelings and the intense ever-present desire to cry and be held, I’m actually in a fairly good mood.
And yet, a good mood
As I write this, it’s Friday before work.
I’m seeing Christopher Gorham tonight. The weather this weekend is supposed to be lovely and I have nothing on my calendar yet. These are both good things, things that bring me joy.*
I am motivated and energized. I plan to do some cleaning and food prep, to get outside a bit somehow, and I’m sure I’ll engage in other forms of healthy self-care I haven’t thought of yet. Hopefully, I’ll even spend time with some friends.
Of course, I’m incredibly nervous about meeting Christopher Gorham. I’m convinced he won’t want to get to know me because I am so fat.
Resolutions to Improve
This is the size I am right now, though. I hope I won’t be this size forever, but I can’t change the past actions that led to this. I can only control what happens moving forward. So, whatever the consequence is of being this size now, I will have to accept it.
Having written this post makes it fairly obvious why I am still feeling so anxious, though.
The wedding is over and it was lovely, but the root of my anxious feelings about the wedding was my feelings about my current weight. The wedding is over, but my weight remains the same, and it is still the cause of some horrible feelings about myself.
I have tried to change these feelings and I am not succeeding. I do not wish to be so disgusted and sad because of my size. Yet I have tried to change my mindset and it is not working.
Instead, I am going to refocus my energy. I can continue improving my inner self while I work on my external, shallow, appearance-based qualities.
It would be nice to think of my size and appearance as being far less important than my inner qualities. Perhaps, I already do. But the truth is, I am shallow, and I do care deeply about my appearance and, as part of my appearance, my size.
I feel so much shame about this.
I wish I cared less, felt good about myself as I am, accepted and loved myself while I strive to be a better version of myself.
I don’t. I hate myself right now. And this is the cause of my continued anxious feelings:
My anxious feelings tell me I am disgusting and unworthy of kindness or love. They tell me I am sneered at, ridiculed, spoken harshly about.
I am convinced these anxious feelings are rooted in truth. I am not making these things up. These things are happening. I am thought of as disgusting and unworthy of love. I am sneered at, ridiculed, spoken harshly about.
I know this as fact. I know it because it is me who is doing these things to myself. And as hard as I try, I am unable to stop.
If anyone has any suggestions for battling these issues I’m all ears. Reading materials, mantras, whatever. Lay it on me. I’ll take all the help I can get.
Just, please, don’t tell me you think I look great and I’m being silly.** It will be meant kindly, I know, but (a) I won’t believe you, and, more importantly, (b) it won’t be helpful in resolving the issue at hand.
Your opinions or feelings about my appearance aren’t what I need to change; it’s mine that I need to work on.
*The date with Christopher Gorham went great! He’s adorable and a delight to spend time with. We made plans to hang out again and check out an art exhibit we’re both interested in. After we parted I went to the supermarket and repeatedly caught myself grinning like an idiot while I did my grocery shopping.
**Unless you’re Cookie or Christopher Gorham, in which case, please, feel free to lavish me with compliments about my appearance.