Missing Goatee Guy

I’m still missing Goatee Guy.

There. I said it.

I’ve been trying and failing to deny these feelings. It’s been three months since he ended things between us, and I still think about him and miss him.

Particularly when I’m ovulating, because good lord were we physically compatible. And I miss it.

He used to play with my hands across the table when we were at restaurants. Did I ever mention that? He had the nicest hands. Strong, warm, soothing hands, and he would gently stroke every part of my hands and fingers while we chatted and drank.

His cuddling was above average, too.

And he was fun to be with. Oh, so fun.

He had emotional health problems, though. His anxiety attacks were frequent and left him breathless. He was working with a doctor to find medication that worked for him, and the side effects were cumbersome. It was a hardship for him. I know, because it was something we talked about frequently.

One of the side effects was an inability to reach orgasm. Even by himself, he would tell me, it was a huge challenge.

He loved the physical connection of a good make out session, though. He was vocal in his enjoyment and it was intensely hot.

I hate that it’s been three months and I still think about him and miss him as much as I do. He lives around the corner from me. I often hope I’ll bump into him, and just as often hope I won’t, depending on how I look on any given day.

Sometimes, I fantasize about him changing his mind about knowing me and reaching out. There’s little chance I’d agree to see him, but feeling as though he’s thought of me and missed me a little is desirable.

He lives nearby, and the primary reason he ended things was because of this. He and his wife are/were very new to non-monogamy. I was only the second person he even went on a date with. Opening up the marriage had been his wife’s idea, not his, and I do think a lot of his anxiousness had to do with, on some level, still adjusting to the idea.

His social circle is very neighborhood-based. He and his wife socialize with the people who live in the houses around them not only frequently, but, it seems, almost exclusively.

Dating someone in the neighborhood was too much for him. He and his wife didn’t have plans to become kitchen table poly. They wanted parallel poly, where their dating lives were kept somewhat segregated from their married life.

I was, quite literally, too close for comfort.

This is what he gave as the reason for ending things between us, and given that it had been a topic of conversation throughout our relationship, it would make sense to believe him.

But. But, he also had sex with two other women before telling me he was ready for sex, and that hurt like hell.

He and I never had sex. He wasn’t ready when we first met. I respected that. We had many conversations about it. I was supportive and understanding.

He and I were looking for different things, I think. We’d never talked about what we each were looking for. I was satisfied in what we had, and the topic never came up.

I don’t think he actually wanted polyamory. Or, rather, I don’t think he wanted to want polyamory.

He and his wife opened their relationship up so they could each have other sexual partners. I dont think real connections, or love, was part of what they were looking for.

Conversely, I want real connections. It’s what I’m seeking. I want  emotional intimacy along with physical intimacy.

Goatee Guy did, too. At least, that was my read on him. He didn’t seem like someone who wanted to simply have sex with people. He was someone who craved, who couldn’t help but engage in, real connections.

I think my being sad about him being ready for sex and not telling me, and about not being the first he’d wanted to have sex with even though he’d dated me the longest, made him realize I had feelings for him.

Having feelings was something I’d voiced to him and he to me, but this was the first time actions he took had some consequence in terms of his connection to me. It wasn’t just fun and games. He had hurt someone’s feelings.

He acknowledged understanding why I would be sad. It made sense to think, and want, that he should talk to me when he was ready to have sex.

It wasn’t something that had been planned, he said. He went on a date with someone and there was an intense connection with her and it just happened.

In my head I heard, “I met someone I wanted more than you. I don’t want you.”

I didn’t let him know I had interpreted his words this way, but I did.

He didn’t want me. We dated for three months, chatted almost daily, saw each other weekly, always had a terrific, fun, hot, sexy time together.

But he didn’t want me.

Two days later I left for France. He was already done with me when I left but I didn’t know it yet. It was why I barely heard from him while I was gone. As soon as I got back, he ended things.

Because we lived too close to each other, he said.

The last time I saw him was late March. That last time, until very late in the evening when we were cuddling and chatting and I learned in the course of casual conversation that he was not only ready for sex but had already had sex with two other women, was a wonderful evening. And even that, while it hurt, didn’t seem insurmountable.

I left for France so happy to go off on my adventure, and so naively secure in my connections with the two men I was seeing.

I came back and suddenly didn’t have connections to either of them. No romance in my life. My love life was DOA.

It hasn’t yet recovered.

There have been very few dates and no second dates.

The last person I made out with was Goatee Guy, that last time I saw him, right before I left for France.

I don’t know if I miss him specifically or just wish I had what I felt with him with someone else, but he’s still on my mind a lot, even after so many months have passed.

It hurts to think of him, and if I’m being honest, I’ll admit it still hurts to think of Cookie, too. I should probably be more honest with myself, and him, about that than I have been.

Neither of them wanted me.

Somehow, I was wrong or not enough for them both, and at almost the exacgt same time with each of them. And that sucks.

There are tons of “should” thoughts flowing through my head. I should know it was just these two guys and I should recognize something better will come along. I should be able to logic my way out of the feelings I have when I think about my lack of a romantic life.

I try. I really do. In my head, I know all the rational thoughts, all the kind, loving things to tell myself to make myself feel better. But in my heart, I know I wasn’t wanted, and that feeling sucks.

Goatee Guy didn’t want me. He ended things with me because he knew he didn’t want me. It was the right thing to do.

But I wish he had wanted me. I enjoyed what we had. It was loose and fun and easy and I liked it.

And I miss him.

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