Therapy was really good this week. One of the many points discussed was how much I hate how badly I wish I had men in my life right now. I don’t want to be someone who hates being alone.
Dating should be a lovely extra in life, icing on a cake, so to speak. I’ve always believed dating is most successful when a person is happy with themselves and their life, and while they might *want* a someone else, they don’t *need* a someone else.
Lately, I’ve teetered into needing a man instead of wanting one.
I noticed it when I was so giddy after having the successful first date with Chris. I was deliriously excited, happier and less anxious than I’ve been in months… Because a man I admired had shown some interest in me.
Not good. I didn’t like this.
As was discussed in therapy though, I’m not desperate for a life partner or even an intense connection. What I’m feeling, rather, is loneliness.
Humans are social creatures. We need companionship and touch. Lately, I haven’t been getting much of either.
Friendships are delightful and the kind of companionship and touch provided by them are necessary and appreciated. But it’s not the same as the basic biological drive that makes us want love.
I want love.
Ideally, two or three loves.
I want intense heart connections with men I enjoy texting with and talking to, who I only see in person once a week or so.
This hardly makes me needy. And I’m certainly not desperate.
While out with friends the other night I whined a bit about how infrequently I’m finding men I wish to go on a first date with. My mouth formed words that slipped out before a filter caught them.
I said I had a really high bar for meeting up with someone.
I then thought about my criteria, and realized my bar is actually pretty low. I want someone intelligent with admirable life views who doesn’t act like a douchebag.
My bar isn’t high. I’m just not encountering many men who meet it. This is why meeting Chris and vibing with him was so exciting.
Back to the original point, though. I’m not stoked about how sad I am to not have a man in my life. When I first met Cookie and Goatee Guy, my attitude was far different. I really didn’t care. I wanted to meet men but I didn’t have high expectations for OkCupid. I was exploring and seeing what might happen.
After dating both of them, my expectations are now very high and are consistently not being met. As a result, I am in a near constant state of disappointment.
I want to get back to the mindset I had back when I first started dating. I’m sure I gave myself a lot of pep talks back then. I don’t remember what [presumably] wise words I told myself back then, though.
Thank goodness for journals, and this blog, and the fact that I keep records of my thoughts at all, because Lord knows I wouldn’t remember any of them otherwise.
I imagine the next few posts will bring a revisit of, and, hopefully, some revelations based on, my prior scribblings.
In the meantime, though, Chris reported today that his mother has stabilized and seems to be on the mend.
(Disclaimer: Chris has provided me with information about his mom’s health and what is going on that I’m not comfortable posting here. I’m being far more vague with you than he has been with me, and the text message below has been edited accordingly.)
My life isn’t usually like this. Promise. I’m holding up, just tired. I think we have a plan for her ongoing care figured out, though. Thank you for asking. I don’t know where we’ll be next week, but would you be interested/have time for a second date on the 31st or the 1st? If you do, I would really like to do that.Text from Chris yesterday
I swear I didn’t jump or make a “squee” sound. Nope, not me. Because I’m totally happy with myself and my life, and I might *want* a someone else, but I don’t *need* a someone else.
Yep. Totally am only reasonably excited about seeing Chris again next week. Not over the top excited at all. Nope. Not one bit. Not me at all.