I’ll have the romance with the anxiety on the side, please

Chris and I are going out again on Thursday and he’s sending all the right signals. He’s looking forward to seeing me. He can’t wait. He’s sorry it’s taken so long.

When I thought I might not hear from him and we might not have a second date I was sad but able to handle it. It was disappointing but I knew I’d get over it before long.

Now I definitely am going to see him again and every possible anxious thought is plaguing me.

He probably won’t be interested anymore once he gets to know me better.

I probably won’t be interested anymore once I get to know him better.

It’s weird that he cares. He’s probably love bombing. He’ll probably turn out to be another abuser and I should run like hell now.

Am I actually attracted to him? Did I think he was cute? I was probably wrong.

And so on, and so forth. Those are only the milder of the crazy things that run through my head like an endless boomerang clip.

Yes, folks, this is anxiety. It’s this and so much more. I can try to step outside it and recognize these thoughts and feelings are not reality. I can tell myself all the things I wish I were feeling. I’m quite good at it by now.

“You don’t know any of these things yet. All you’ve agreed to is dinner. This is the discovery phase of dating. You’re finding out who this guy is and what might be between you. There is nothing at stake. Everything is fine.”

I tell myself these things and calm myself down, and a few minutes later yet another anxious thought takes hold.

It’s awful and I hate it. And the bitch of it is, it would be so easy to not have to deal with it.

Dating isn’t a life requirement. It isn’t like food or sleep. I could just stop trying to do it. I could just give up, give in to the anxious thoughts and convince myself I’d be happier alone.

I would be lying, though. I don’t mind being single, but I don’t like being alone. I like snuggling, I like intimate conversations, I like looking forward to a text from or a date with someone. I like sex.

So, I’ll continue to argue myself out of my anxious thoughts and I’ll continue to be tired all the time because my brain is constantly in this cycle of anxious thoughts then calming myself down then anxious thoughts again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I’d rather suffer through the anxious thoughts than give up on love, though.

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