I break for joy

It was just one date. One date, a few weeks of messaging, and the hope of finding some joy in each other for a while.

That hope is now gone. So it goes sometimes.

My Nana used to say, “Oh well. Next!”

It always made me laugh.

She meant, I’m sure, that it’s time to get back out there and try again. It’s time to find the next man. And that’s what I always did. This one didn’t work out? Ah well. It wasn’t the right situation. Time to keep looking and try the whole thing all over again.

I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to do it anymore. Not right now. Not after so many months of trying and finding nothing.

How many dates have I been on in the past three months? One? Two? More? I don’t even remember.

I know how many second dates I’ve been on, though. That one is easy.

The answer? Zero. Zero second dates.

I disabled my OKCupid account last night. I’m taking a break.

Since making this decision, there have been a number of things both large and small that have confirmed for me that this is the right move for right now.

The primary one was that Chani Nicholas published the Horoscopes for the New Moon in Leo.

I break for joy. I stop when it’s been too long since my body felt loved, replenished, and rested. I pause for all things that help me live my best life. 

For all that I give, offer, and make myself available to, I am allowed to receive, accept, and let myself be. With this new moon, I take some of my best advice. I remember all of the love I have put on others and I put the same on myself. I recall the energy I have spent on building my outer life and reinvest it in doing some inner maintenance. I know how important it is to reconnect with myself through the potent activity of not giving AF while not doing AFing thing. 

I am worthy of a reset. I am worth resting for. 

With this new moon, I remember my inherent value. Separate from my production schedule. Separate from my bank account. Separate from what I can do for others. With this new moon, I focus on valuing my free-time, my natural state of being, and all my rituals for restoration and renewal.

Chani Nicholas, Horoscopes for the New Moon in Leo, Virgo section

It’s time for me to stop. It’s been too long since my body felt loved, replenished, or rested. I am allowed to receive, accept, and let myself be.

So, I’m taking a pause from dating for a while. I’m trying not to think of it as giving up. It’s just taking a break. I am taking a break from dating to allow myself some joy.

When I say “Next” this time, I don’t intend to look for another man to obsess and stress over. Instead, I’m going to look for activities and rituals I find fulfilling.

I’ll go back to dating again, I’m sure. It might be next week, it might be a few months from now. I know my frame of mind will change and I’ll get back out there and try again someday.

For right now, though, I will focus on my rituals for restoration and renewal.

I am worthy of a reset. I am worth resting for.

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