ADHD and not wanting to work

As I write this, it’s Monday. It’s Monday and I hate it. I want more weekend.

I wish I didn’t have to go to work for money. Or work at all, if I’m being honest.

This isn’t something I’ve ever been honest about with myself or anyone else. I’ve always felt horrible and guilty for having these thoughts, for longing for a life without traditional “work.”

It’s a sign of a poor work ethic, of a slovenly nature.

I judge myself for this, and yet my truth is I long for a life of leisure.

I know I’m not alone in this, particularly among those of us who are introverted, anxious, overwhelmed easily by tasks and by the world in general.

Everything is too bright and moves too fast. Work tasks, even the ones well within my skill and knowledge, are challenging and exhausting.

Of course, this might be Monday talking. I might not always feel this way.

I worked from home Friday and most of last week, so it’s been a delicious week plus of relaxing. I don’t mind working from home quite as much as I do going to the office, although if I did it full time I’m sure it would start to wear on me.

I’m grateful I have working from home as an option, and have an office to go to as an option, too.

But today is Monday, and it’s currently 5:20 am, and for some reason, my head hurts.

I did not sleep well. This is usually the case on Sunday nights.

There isn’t much excitement on my calendar this week. Perhaps this is part of the problem. I’m having drinks with friends tomorrow night but otherwise, have a long week of nothing but work in my path.

I don’t even have hobbies or tasks I’m looking forward to tackling. Coming home every day and relaxing and reading for hours doesn’t hold the same appeal as it did last week.

It sounds quite dull. I want to do more. I just don’t know what.

I am restless. I am dreaming of a future where I will be untethered to my current location, where my work is such that it can be done remotely and in any time zone, and I am free to travel the world as I please.

I am also nervous about my ability to achieve this dream. I do not know what type of work I might find that would allow for this. I do not know if I am cut out to do that work, if I will stay motivated and focused and able to accomplish the tasks I am assigned.

It is early on Monday morning and I am doubting myself and my abilities.

There are many work tasks on my plate this week. I know I am capable of tackling them all. None alone will take me long.

And yet most have been lingering on my plate for weeks, and not just because I was unwell.

I am a bad employee. Not because I don’t care but because I find it so difficult to calm my brain down and focus on what I am meant to get done.

Maybe this will be my project this week. Maybe, in order to lend structure to my week and make it more interesting, I will extend my digital detox further and see if I’m able to calm my brain down while at work and focus on one task at a time.

Maybe when I think of looking at something online or checking ‘just one thing’ on my phone, I will pause and take a deep breath before giving in to the impulse.

Maybe thinking of doing a thing, having that distracting thought, doesn’t need to be something I give in to right away. Maybe I can have that thought and then let it go, and wait to satisfy the impulse.

Or maybe not. But maybe I could?

Or… Maybe I could just continue to dream of being independently wealthy and not having to work at all.

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