Dementia Fears

The doctor’s appointment to discuss the heading disorientation I experienced a few weeks ago is today.

I’m nervous.

If I’m being honest with myself (and her) my head doesn’t feel quite right. It feels like my hold is fragile, but my hold on what, I’m not sure.

Past posts on this topic:
* That’s me in the spotlight, losing my direction
* Heading Disorientation: Information Needed

It’s easiest to not think about it and keep soldiering on. Perhaps it would be better to dive into it and understand, as a symptom recognition or description exercise, but emotionally, I’m blocked.

As is the case with my sinus headaches and my chronic fatigue…

I’m not sure what I was going to say there. Something about not having emotional access to the truth of it, because if I allowed myself to recognize the pain, the worry, the sense that my reality might all slip away into blankness at any possible second, it would be too much for me to handle and I wouldn’t be able to continue doing all the things I must.

Slipping into blankness. That’s what it feels as though I am at the abyss of. Like my brain is tied to my reality with a fraying piece of embroidery thread that’s going to separate at any second. And when it does, everything will be white and blank.

Nothing will make sense anymore. Not direction, not landmarks, not any object, not people. I will not be able to work. I will not know who I am.

It’s terrifying but this is why I can’t dwell on it. I can’t allow that.

In a few moments, I must dislodge the cats from my lap and go shower and get ready for my day. I must get myself to the doctor and then to work.

In a general sense, I must do all the things an adult must do. I must work, shop, cook, clean, bathe, dress, and so on, and I must continue doing these things, ad infinitum, from now until forever.

What a depressing thought. One day after another, all the same, where I summon the energy to do life’s basic tasks and don’t have the strength to manage much more.

You’ll likely have noticed I haven’t mentioned working out in a while. My routine faltered in early September. I had been so excited for a moment or two, as I always am when I start a new routine. It lasted seven weeks. And then it stopped and I’ve barely worked out at all since.

Adding that one more thing was too much. I don’t have the spoons to keep up with it all, all the basic life tasks and exercise, too. It was too much.

I don’t know why I’m like this and I highly doubt anyone ever will. It will have to be okay.

I hope there is a cause for the heading disorientation but I don’t have high hopes. My many experiences with doctors have been quite unsatisfying. When I need antibiotics they can write a prescription. They look at my blood work and pap smears and mash my boobs with the pads of their fingers and tell me everything looks great and I’m perfectly healthy.

When I tell them things aren’t great, that there are problems I would like to address, things about how my body operates that I know is not the norm, they don’t have answers.

Perhaps they don’t even take me all that seriously.

I am 43 and I have been tired my entire life. And now my brain is starting to let me down, even more than usual. I am scared and I think I might be teetering on the edge of a depressive spell and all of it sucks very very badly.

[UPDATE: Thank you for your well-wishes. Unfortunately, the appointment is not going to happen today. Someone from the doctor’s office called. They needed to reschedule my appointment for the same time next week.]


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