Even years after going no contact the abuser will pop into your head sometimes. And it’s okay to feel a burst of rage at them.
It’s okay to feel fury about all they did and all you’ve struggled to recover from. It’s okay to have those moments.
And it’s reasonable and acceptable to lament their current appearance of happiness.
Most narcissists are incapable of being alone. This is known. They need what’s known as “supply.” They are always in relationships, and often have backups waiting in the wings when a relationship fails.
When the relationship with you ended, they were likely already in another one. If not, they found someone else almost immediately.
They cannot be alone. They need a supply source in order to survive.
You, however, can be alone and do not need a supply source. Because you’re healthier and more self-aware, you recognize relationships are a want and not a need.
It would be easy to become bitter. Don’t. When you encounter signs pointing to your ex’s current relationship being happier than the one they had with you, do not give in to negativity. When you are angry that they seem to have found happiness and love while you have not, do not try to console yourself with ungracious statements about your ex or their current supply.
They do not matter. They exist in an entirely separate sphere and need not have anything to do with you. What may or may not be the reality behind the facade they present to the world is irrelevant.
What is important is that you were able to break free from an abusive situation. You have gone No Contact and have maintained it.
And you have worked hard to heal.
So when you have those bursts of anger, go ahead and have them. Understand you’ll never get an apology. There is no point in ever relenting on No Contact. They will never admit to their manipulations and control having been purposeful, much less that they happened at all. There is no closure that will ever be obtained.
Your anger is at them, yes. But in some sense, for your sake, it has to not be at them, as well. The anger has to be at the fact that any of it happened at all. The anger has to be about still feeling anger. The anger must be about how hard the recovery has been, and will continue to be, and will always be.
Those are targets of anger that can be addressed. Those are feelings that you can be productive about and try to move forward from.
Regardless, though, the anger is going to come. Be it five years, ten years, or twenty years. Sometimes, the rage will be so strong that it will seep through your pores and you will feel as though you are about to explode into flames.
So be it. Feel it. Honor it. Do what you must with it.
I find it helpful to write a blog post.
For more info on this topic, please read this piece from Psychology Today: To Heal From Trauma, You Have to Feel Your Feelings