Flabbergasted and Joyous

I continue to be amazed by my lack of pain. Every movement is a joy and I am constantly on the verge of bursting into happy sobs.

When I rise from a seated position… nothing.

I stand at the kitchen counter… and I’m totally fine.

Bending to pick something up? No problem.

It’s consuming, these feelings of amazement. It’s why I haven’t written in a few days. It’s why I’m struggling to write now. (Finally! A Relief From Pain!)

My body feels not my own in unimaginable ways. My old, creaky, cranky, achy body has been replaced by one that does all it’s supposed to without issue. My movements feel, for the first time in my life, graceful instead of halted and awkward.

This body is mine and yet gloriously not mine, too. I long to see what it’s capable of, to push it to its limits.

Even now, with small movements, I feel muscles working the way I have always known they were supposed to but couldn’t quite make happen. I squat to pick up something, and when I stand, I feel my glutes tighten rather than feeling a pain in my lower back. As I walk, holding my body upright causes my abs to work rather than causing pain in my lower back and leg. My left hip joint moves as it’s meant to, without pinching and without restriction. My gait is sure and strong.

It’s a wonder, how much I long to stretch my legs and run. To feel my feet under me, first one and then, with blessed evenness, the other. To not have to try to ignore the tightness in my left hip with each step but to actually have it not exist.

I want to see what my stride feels like now. I want to see if I enjoy running as I did as a child. My father used to marvel at my form and remark that I would be a marathoner someday. I want to see if I can regain some semblance of that.

Shoot, I just want to go for a run and feel muscles working evenly on each side of my body. That alone would be amazing.

The awareness that I should take things easy is cumbersome. Only last week, I could barely walk. My muscles are not used to this new bodily alignment, this freedom of motion. Tendons, joints, ligaments have been misused for years. They need to be babied. They need to be strengthened and coaxed into this new reality, not thrust into it with suddenness.

I will take things slow and continue working with my physical therapist, as I should. I will be patient. But simultaneously, I will continue to feel this joy, amazement, and appreciation. And I will look forward to someday, hopefully, achieving the level of fitness I long for.

Featured Photo by Emma Bauso from Pexels

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