Was it just yesterday morning that I was recounting all the triggers February holds? We can now add a new bad February memory to the list: February 18th, the day I was fired from the company where I’ve worked for the past fourteen years.
The very same company that, not two months ago, have me a raise and a change in title.
My biggest achievement yesterday was staying relatively calm and cool while being terminated from my job.
I sat in that conference room with the head of my department and the heads of HR, and I stayed calm. I was able to recognize when I needed a moment to collect myself, and when I was ready to talk again and hear what was being said.
I understood what was going on wasn’t at all personal and wasn’t in any way performance-based. It was financial.
We’ve all known layoffs were coming, but somehow I never imagined one of the people let go would be me.
Right now, I’m in shock. I packed up my things and went home, as one does, and then I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t have a to-do list. I didn’t have Anything to do and I was numb and lost.
I wasn’t ready to dive in to the paperwork that had been provided to me. I know I’ll need to figure out the details of health insurance, unemployment, my job search, and so on. I didn’t have the mental capacity to start on it right away.
Instead, I reached out to my social network and asked for, and received, consolation. This is one of those Very Big Things that everyone understands is a horrible, life-changing, unexpected event, and they were all very sympathetic.
I also poured a bourbon, because if a day ever deserved bourbon, it was this one.
I honestly didn’t know what to do with myself, and I’m proud of recognizing that was okay. I understand I am in shock and need a little time to gather my wits.
Emotions will hit in waves, I’m sure. Productivity will, too. I hung out with friends last night and put together a mild todo list I can get started on today.
I need todo lists. Otherwise I feel adrift without a paddle. A to-do list keeps me aware of my destination and helps me steer.
I’ll figure it all out. I know I will.
I’ll sit with the big emotions when they hit, and I’ll keep doing what I need to do to get myself into a new role at a new company, and then to find my footing and learn how to do a new job.
I know I will be okay.
On some level, I might even be a little excited. I had wanted to have a big project to dive into. I wanted something I could obsess over that would keep my brain occupied.
If an emergency job hunt isn’t that, I don’t know what is.