TW: Weight loss and dieting
First of all, please send all the best of vibes that this sweet silly boy finds his way home soon. He’s the beloved furbaby of a family I know. Roux snuck out of the house yesterday morning and has yet to return, and while he’s occasionally been out of doors before in his life, it’s cold out there and he would be far happier snug up and safe at home.
As for me, well, I spent 8 hours yesterday on a cover letter for a job application and still haven’t finished.
God, I hate the job application process. Yes, networking is the best way to find a new job. Yet collecting unemployment requires submitting two applications per week, and putting all eggs in either basket (networking or responding to job listings) doesn’t seem sensible regardless.
Thus, cover letters and resume submissions are necessary. And while I’m still not quite satisfied with this particular cover letter, I know I’m almost there. There is one sentence that needs a little work and then I’ll be done.
One of my achievements for yesterday is feeling I’m almost done writing the best cover letter I’ve ever written. At this point I don’t even care whether I get this particular job. I’m just proud of the damn cover letter.
My other achievement for yesterday is related to weight loss. Stop reading here if weight loss or talk about binge eating is a trigger for you.
Okay, here we go.
I’ve talked about binge eating on this blog many times. Through therapy and MyFitnessPal, I started feeling I was getting a grip on things towards the end of last summer. (What I’ve Learned From Two Weeks Using MyFitnessPal)
Because I use a smart scale to track my weight (I use this one from Withings) I have graphs readily available and am able to see clear trends over time.
I can now say, with pride, that I have lost almost all of the weight gained after the relationship with the Narcissist ended. It’s almost 20 pounds and, while it took a while, it wasn’t terribly hard to do.
I do have an ideal weight in mind and am interested in seeing how long, with my very relaxed approach, it might take me to reach it. If I don’t reach it, that’s fine, too. Honestly, it would be harder at this point to develop new habits and routines than it will be to stay the course. I had already lost a few pounds before I started using MyFitnessPal for tracking and meal planning, but now that I’m accustomed to it I can’t be bothered to stop.
Please feel free to add me as a friend on MyFitnessPal. You’ll find me by searching for username “atwistonlifenow” or by clicking https://www.myfitnesspal.com/profile/atwistonlifenow
I’m at a point now where the clothes I already own fit without pulling and pinching. I’ll happily take that win. I hate clothes shopping.
I do recognize this weight loss signifies a much larger achievement than it might seem at the surface, though. It’s not sizeist to own that I was eating in a way that did not feel healthy and did not make me feel good, and that getting it under control was a tremendous challenge. Nor is it sizeist to feel a sense of accomplishment and recognize the impact of these behavioral changes on my weight.
What is of primary importance is engaging in appropriate, emotionally healthy self-care. Getting control of my eating is one of the many ways I have started taking better care of myself. I am proud that I now take better care of my home and appreciate the visible results. I am also proud of the results of gaining control of my overeating tendencies. I’ve lost almost 20 pounds, but more importantly, I’ve gained self-awareness around my eating habits and my attitude about my body size. And I’m extremely proud of those achievements.
Once in a while, I look back on my old posts and am stunned to realize how far I’ve come over the past two years. This quote on binge eating sums up so much:
These feelings of shame, of physical pain, of self-loathing and disgust right now have a very definite cause. I know where they come from. I just ate too much, just now, just a minute ago. I did it on purpose. It’s better to know where the feelings come from than have the root cause be a mystery. It’s better to understand why I’m in pain, why everything hurts so much emotionally and physically than to go through each day feeling it and not knowing why and feeling even worse because there’s no real cause so why won’t it just go away?A Twist On Life, Binge Eating, January 26, 2018
My biggest achievement of yesterday was realizing I’ve developed an understanding that I deserve to feel good, and I have developed better life habits based on that understanding. Everything good I have going on for me right now started from there.
Depression is an ugly beast. It still captures me on occasion, but hopefully, never again for the lengths of time it held me in its grasp in the past. For now, I am somewhat free of it. I am making my way forward in happiness and good health. I’m proud of that, and happy to be experiencing some of the tangible benefits freedom from depression is bringing my way… not the least of which is having lost 20 pounds.