Day 81: Adjustments

It’s Monday morning and I feel as though I’m supposed to get to work. It’s March 23rd. I was laid off on February 18th.

If it’s this hard for me after a month of unemployment, I can only imagine how bizarre it feels to those who are in week #2 of working from home, potentially with kids who do not have school.

I must fight this anxiety about being late, about disappointing others, because the only one holding me accountable for anything is myself.

There is nobody who will care what time I start my day but me.

We are all adjusting to the newness of it all. I was doing well at maintaining routines until everyone else’s routines feel apart. Last week was chaos. This week, I am going to try to return to good habits. I am not going to fall into patterns of laziness. Folks are bragging about doing so on social media and it’s gotten into my head. I can resist the influence of their habits.

At the same time, though, it may benefit me to relax my standards a small amount. I have begun foregoing waking up with an alarm. I am allowing myself that. But I am getting to bed at around the same time every night (10:00) and thus waking up naturally at around the same time (6:30) every morning anyway.

If it’s a few minutes earlier or later? No matter. Thus, there is no need for an alarm.

Once I get up, I am having breakfast and coffee and writing a quick blog post. I am moving my body for at least 30 minutes, usually with cardio videos on YouTube but starting yesterday, with Fitbit Coach. I am showering and putting on clean clothes. And I am sitting down in front of my laptop at around 10-ish am to start my workday. I keep working until 6-ish pm.

My Fitbit buzzes ten minutes before the hour if I haven’t achieved 250 steps in that hour. I am paying attention to that cue more than I used to. Every hour, I get in at least 250 steps. It winds up meaning I take a break for about two minutes and walk briskly around my small home. Usually, I’ll use the bathroom and chug a small glass of water during that time, too.

I’m handling this massive change incredibly well. I’ve adopted new routines and I adapt them as needed so I stay on task but don’t feel stressed. I’m staying hydrated, I’m eating healthy, and I’m making sure I move my body.

And yet, it’s now Monday at 8:00 am and I’m feel anxious because I am still in my recliner with Oliver passed out on top of me.

Black cat stretched out down my recliner-lifted legs
He was passed out a second ago, I swear

I like that I’m someone who is naturally productive and enjoys having projects, routines, things to do. It’s good, particularly right now, that I have healthy mechanisms with which I can distract myself from very real, very terrifying things that are out of my control.

I must tame that inner beast that feels anxious when a schedule is not adhered to, though. It’s just me here. It’s okay to write a little bit longer, to start a little bit later.

It’s good to hold myself accountable, but it’s also good to relax standards in the midst of the massive turmoil we all face.

Truly, whatever we need to do to stay sane during all of this will have to be acceptable… As long as it doesn’t require we leave the house.

Seriously. Stay the fuck at home!

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