Day 95: Allowing Sadness to Set In

I won’t lie, the anxiety and isolation are definitely starting to get to me. The other night I was unable to fall asleep because I had convinced myself one of my cats was going to die overnight. I was certain I would find one dead when I woke the next morning.

Both cats are in fine health. Apparently, this and other thoughts like it is how my anxiety about the pandemic has decided to manifest.

Two cats cuddling on a plush blanket
After I checked on the cats and cuddled them for a bit I was able to sleep.

I attended a happy hour via video chat the other night. It’s so nice to see people’s faces for a bit, but it almost makes the loneliness even worse. Plus, video chats are so much more awkward than meeting in person. The inability to engage in side conversations and focus on one speaker at a time feels unnatural in a group larger than 5 or so.

If all were normal, I would be in Massachusetts for Passover right now. I would be waking up today at my dad and stepmom’s house. Instead, I am at home with my cats, as I always am. My family will be doing our Seder via video chat, as will many families. It will feel odd, I’m sure, but I’m really looking forward to it.

I miss people. I miss my usual, steady, boring little life, the life I had before I was laid off, before a pandemic was declared, before social distancing became necessary. I miss having a job and needing to talk to people to get things accomplished. I miss using my brain.

Normal is no more, though. Lord knows what our new normal will look like. Particularly for me. How long is it likely to take for me to find work? I am grateful I gave the ability to support myself financially until I start earning again, but the lack of structure and mental exercise alone might drive me insane long before my savings account is depleted.

Yesterday was day #95 of 2020 and my achievement for the day was recognizing I needed a pajama day. Yesterday, I relaxed and did nothing. I screwed around on my phone. I watched some of the at-home versions of the late shows that the hosts have been recording from their living rooms. I watched Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I went to bed early and woke up early today.

Perhaps, once again, I am realizing that a day of relaxation and nothing has it’s pros and cons. I needed that downtime, it’s true, but it allowed negativity and sadness to creep in. Today I have a number of household chores I intend to do. I hope focusing and being productive will help improve my mood.

I think what I really need is to see my people and get hugs, but for now, housework will have to do.

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