It has come to my attention, yet again, that my self-esteem could use some work. This is common enough that it shouldn't continue to surprise me. And yet, here we are. My low self-esteem has once again been challenged, and once again I am surprised. This particular time stemmed from a misunderstanding. Someone mentioned an … Continue reading Day 15: Self-Esteem
Knowing depression and anxiety make you think and feel things that aren't true and you can't easily distinguish from the truth isn't new information. And yet, the times when you're confronted with truth still can be jarring. The lies don't only occur when you're in a noticably depressive or anxious state. The lies are pervasive. … Continue reading Day 9: Depression Lies
Rain is coming down sideways and I can see gusts of it flying across the dunes. It beats against the windows of the living room. The ocean is still visible in the distance, the surf strong and the waves crashing with more gusto than usual. Inside, it is warm and cozy. I sip my coffee … Continue reading Beach trip, day 3
Somehow I wound up being one of the last to bed and one of the first to rise. There is coffee, but no bacon, and my soul suffers as a result. I have secluded myself in the living room with coffee and this missive and hope the normal bacon-saturated morning scents of our beach trips … Continue reading Beach trip, day 2
Heading to the coast today for what my mom has started calling the "annual retreat." It's an apt descriptor. The whole wineaux friend group goes. This year there will be at least 14 of us. I've got to start hustling to get myself ready and get the car packed up. My goal is to leave … Continue reading Beach trip, day 1
It is Sunday evening of Thanksgiving weekend and I have a glass of eggnog heavily dosed with brandy beside me. My Christmas tree was bought and decorated this weekend. I am admiring it as I type. Oliver the Cat is unimpressed A couple of friends helped me with the tree. We decorated while sipping a … Continue reading Ghosts of Christmas Past and Present
It's easy to lose sight of good things when in the midst of a depressive spell. Please remember this: one can be thankful without feeling happy. I am thankful for my friendships. For the roof over my head, the hot water and heat that both work, the clothes I wear, the privileged life I lead. … Continue reading Depression and… feeling thankful?
I spent the last week transported into the 1600s in Amsterdam. It was winter, and it was cold. And I was very much alone, and very lonely. The reading project is going well. I have made it through The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern and The Miniaturist by Jessie Burton, and have now moved on … Continue reading Thoughts On “The Miniaturist” by Jessie Burton, ADHD, and Loneliness
Eight years ago this week I broke up with my best friend of twenty-five years. It had to be done. She had been verbally abusive and controlling when we were younger, and as we got older it became worse. This was true even though we lived on opposite sides of the country from one another. … Continue reading Missing a Best Friend after a Break Up
It's so amazing and rare to find someone you enjoy traveling with. It's even more amazing to spend ten straight days together, then miss the person when you part. We met in college, in the fall of 1998. By the end of the semester, when he left to go home to Ireland for a month … Continue reading Depression’s Lies and Loveability (Travel Revelations)
My wish for you is that you soften with age. You who wears your dark eyeliner and black clothing and chunky silver jewelry as armor, allowing it to be your protection against the world. You, who probably is fooling nobody with your attempts at toughness, but feels sufficiently defended to battle a world that you feel … Continue reading Letter to a Younger Self
Everyone calls you paranoid when you stress about every possible outcome for every possible scenario. When you have anxiety issues, this is both unavoidable and a potential blessing.
"You're in a long-term relationship with grief. But it has to evolve. And it's okay to keep letting go. You have to." Alba Villanueva in Jane the Virgin. It's interesting to still be in mourning well over a year after a relationship ends. It's not something most people can understand. "But you know you made … Continue reading Grief and Narcissistic Recovery
Sometimes I don't want to see my friends. They are my soul mates, my spirit guides, my urban family. For ten years we have spent every holiday and every birthday together. They have seen me through two devastating break ups. They have seen the light in me thousands of times when I haven't. They bring … Continue reading Narcissistic Recovery: Learning to Laugh Again