It appears I like brandy. This is a surprise to me. I recall having tried brandy before, with eggnog. The Narcissist was a huge fan and would always have some of each in the house at this time of year. I tried it but never developed a taste for it. One of the friends who … Continue reading Surprise! I like brandy.
It is Sunday evening of Thanksgiving weekend and I have a glass of eggnog heavily dosed with brandy beside me. My Christmas tree was bought and decorated this weekend. I am admiring it as I type. Oliver the Cat is unimpressed A couple of friends helped me with the tree. We decorated while sipping a … Continue reading Ghosts of Christmas Past and Present
It’s been a shit few years or so. 2019 is the first one that’s ending on a true, sustainable upswing. It’s Thanksgiving week, and I am thinking of all the things for which I am thankful. A friend commented the other day that 2019 has been the year of Suzanne, and I realized she was … Continue reading Thanksgiving and taking stock of 2019
There is a new man in my life. I haven't spoken of him yet, mostly because I haven't been able to figure out how. But I've also been keeping quiet because I feel a great amount of shame around allowing him into my world. His name is Dick. I'm not sure when we met or … Continue reading Introducing: My Next Boyfriend
Even years after going no contact the abuser will pop into your head sometimes. And it's okay to feel a burst of rage at them. It's okay to feel fury about all they did and all you've struggled to recover from. It's okay to have those moments. And it's reasonable and acceptable to lament their … Continue reading It’s okay to still be angry
Trying to go for a short walk yesterday was brutal. I wanted to at least try to get a little exercise, but I was so short of breath that it was very clear why I've been so tired and unable to work out lately (Not enough spoons for an exercise routine). I've made a doctor's … Continue reading Three Years of Freedom
I still have conversations in my head with the exN a lot. (exN = the narcissistic ex-partner, otherwise referred to as, "the Narcissist.") Often, I inadvertently fantasize about having to deal with him in some situation or another. Perhaps, he's sick. Or perhaps, it's some other reason. Somehow, he's in need and it's on me … Continue reading Story ideas: imagined interactions
Day of joy post: June 13, 2017 I am unpacking in my new home. My things have been in storage for two months. It has been two months since I left the home we owned together and moved in with my friends. And now, I am in my new condo, and I am making my … Continue reading The Horrible Hilarious Herb Scissors Happenstance
I keep wishing I lived closer to family. I caught myself noticing for sale signs on houses and paying attention when we passed condo complexes.
It's been eight months since the day he threatened violence if I didn't obey him, and since the day I ended our relationship. Two days ago, I was finally able to go no contact.
After a while you learn the subtle difference Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning And company doesn’t mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts And presents aren’t promises, And you begin to accept your defeats With your head up and your … Continue reading Love Doesn’t Mean Leaning
The Narcissist told me I was nothing. He led me to believe I was unintelligent, lacked motivation, wasn't attractive or sexy, wasn't pleasant to be around. He succeeded, for a long time. Until I started wondering why he needed to battle me so. #Narcissist
My brother proposed to his girlfriend a few weeks ago. When I first was informed, my immediate reaction was overwhelming happiness. Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, I became overcome by selfish sadness and I needed to excuse myself and go have a good cry. The sobbing fit ended and the happiness took hold again. It has … Continue reading Resolving a new trigger: My brother’s engagement
I stayed in downward dog today for the entirety of the time the instructor asked. I took each deep breath. I centered myself physically and emotionally. I felt the stretch in the backs of my shoulders and my hamstrings. And my left shoulder, for the first time, did not give out on me. This is … Continue reading Narcissistic Recovery: Yoga
Too many of us keep ourselves hidden. Too many of us learned it's what life requires of us. Don't be sensitive. Don't have big emotions. Push your feelings away. Maybe, just maybe, I want to show my writing to the world because I want to scream a big hearty FUCK THAT to all those notions and to inspire others to do the same.