I still have conversations in my head with the exN a lot. (exN = the narcissistic ex-partner, otherwise referred to as, "the Narcissist.") Often, I inadvertently fantasize about having to deal with him in some situation or another. Perhaps, he's sick. Or perhaps, it's some other reason. Somehow, he's in need and it's on me … Continue reading Story ideas: imagined interactions
Day of joy post: June 13, 2017 I am unpacking in my new home. My things have been in storage for two months. It has been two months since I left the home we owned together and moved in with my friends. And now, I am in my new condo, and I am making my … Continue reading The Horrible Hilarious Herb Scissors Happenstance
I keep wishing I lived closer to family. I caught myself noticing for sale signs on houses and paying attention when we passed condo complexes.
It's been eight months since the day he threatened violence if I didn't obey him, and since the day I ended our relationship. Two days ago, I was finally able to go no contact.
After a while you learn the subtle difference Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning And company doesn’t mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts And presents aren’t promises, And you begin to accept your defeats With your head up and your … Continue reading Love Doesn’t Mean Leaning
The Narcissist told me I was nothing. He led me to believe I was unintelligent, lacked motivation, wasn't attractive or sexy, wasn't pleasant to be around. He succeeded, for a long time. Until I started wondering why he needed to battle me so. #Narcissist
My brother proposed to his girlfriend a few weeks ago. When I first was informed, my immediate reaction was overwhelming happiness. Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, I became overcome by selfish sadness and I needed to excuse myself and go have a good cry. The sobbing fit ended and the happiness took hold again. It has … Continue reading Resolving a new trigger: My brother’s engagement
I stayed in downward dog today for the entirety of the time the instructor asked. I took each deep breath. I centered myself physically and emotionally. I felt the stretch in the backs of my shoulders and my hamstrings. And my left shoulder, for the first time, did not give out on me. This is … Continue reading Narcissistic Recovery: Yoga
Too many of us keep ourselves hidden. Too many of us learned it's what life requires of us. Don't be sensitive. Don't have big emotions. Push your feelings away. Maybe, just maybe, I want to show my writing to the world because I want to scream a big hearty FUCK THAT to all those notions and to inspire others to do the same.
My plan for this rainy Saturday was to sit here at my desk and write about my newfound obsession with planning travel adventures. But Anthony Bourdain died yesterday. And that changes everything. Anthony Bourdain is the reason I have travel dreams at all. My introduction to his show, "No Reservations," changed me and the way … Continue reading Travel Obsessions and What Anthony Bourdain Meant to Me
Dear Current Self, It's been thirty years since we lived with the Narcissist. Thirty years have gone by. The whole horrible experience seems like such a blip now. In the grand scheme of things, the relationship only lasted a very brief period of time. But those are the views of a 70-year-old. It is not … Continue reading Letter from my Older Self to my Current Self
My wish for you is that you soften with age. You who wears your dark eyeliner and black clothing and chunky silver jewelry as armor, allowing it to be your protection against the world. You, who probably is fooling nobody with your attempts at toughness, but feels sufficiently defended to battle a world that you feel … Continue reading Letter to a Younger Self
Oh, vacations. Vacations were when it was the two of us and we would feel more connected, more bonded. Right? Yet that's never how it would actually happen. The Narcissist and I went to Hawaii's Big Island in the fall of 2016. It's on my mind lately as I watch the devastation caused by the … Continue reading Vacationing Without the Narcissist
I did not have a full-blown PTSD episode yesterday. I was able to navigate it and stay present. I had a toothache and I went to the dentist. In testing cold sensitivity, he ran a q-tip with some liquid nitrogen on it across my tooth. The cold was horrible. I felt violated and angry to … Continue reading When the PTSD Hits (Warning: Potential Triggers)
I'm not healed yet, but I'm better than I once was. A year ago yesterday I wrote a long post about having made it through the yuck and being able to go no contact. I published it here yesterday. It's been a full year of not having the Narcissist in my life but he's still … Continue reading Reflections After a Year of No Contact