I still have conversations in my head with the exN a lot. (exN = the narcissistic ex-partner, otherwise referred to as, "the Narcissist.") Often, I inadvertently fantasize about having to deal with him in some situation or another. Perhaps, he's sick. Or perhaps, it's some other reason. Somehow, he's in need and it's on me … Continue reading Story ideas: imagined interactions
Day of joy post: June 13, 2017 I am unpacking in my new home. My things have been in storage for two months. It has been two months since I left the home we owned together and moved in with my friends. And now, I am in my new condo, and I am making my … Continue reading The Horrible Hilarious Herb Scissors Happenstance
When I look outside what is going on in my own little life, I don't see much to feel joy about. This makes writing this post even more useful than usual this week. If I didn't make an effort to find the joy, I doubt I'd be doing well right now. The Narcissist-in-Chief The week … Continue reading Friday Joy: 8/8/2019. Getting Stronger.
If they tried to assert their dominance like they used to, you wouldn't care anymore. You would see them for who they are; a scared, frightened, cowardly soul who is unable to confront the reality of their existence.
For the first time in ages, I have a Saturday with nothing on my calendar. One of the things that kept me so busy recently was a writing workshop on Creative Nonfiction. It was absolutely a delight, but it was also emotionally draining. The primary piece I submitted for critique was a longer, more thorough … Continue reading Regrets
Dear Current Self, It's been thirty years since we lived with the Narcissist. Thirty years have gone by. The whole horrible experience seems like such a blip now. In the grand scheme of things, the relationship only lasted a very brief period of time. But those are the views of a 70-year-old. It is not … Continue reading Letter from my Older Self to my Current Self
Oh, vacations. Vacations were when it was the two of us and we would feel more connected, more bonded. Right? Yet that's never how it would actually happen. The Narcissist and I went to Hawaii's Big Island in the fall of 2016. It's on my mind lately as I watch the devastation caused by the … Continue reading Vacationing Without the Narcissist
I did not have a full-blown PTSD episode yesterday. I was able to navigate it and stay present. I had a toothache and I went to the dentist. In testing cold sensitivity, he ran a q-tip with some liquid nitrogen on it across my tooth. The cold was horrible. I felt violated and angry to … Continue reading When the PTSD Hits (Warning: Potential Triggers)
I'm not healed yet, but I'm better than I once was. A year ago yesterday I wrote a long post about having made it through the yuck and being able to go no contact. I published it here yesterday. It's been a full year of not having the Narcissist in my life but he's still … Continue reading Reflections After a Year of No Contact
I am a Virgo Sun (Libra cusp), Leo Moon, Cancer rising. To those in the know about astrology, this describes many important things about my personality. This is how I present to the world and who I am inside. It also illuminates my strengths and my challenges as I recover from Narcissistic Abuse. These are … Continue reading Astrology and Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse
I moved out of our house one year ago today. One year ago was the last time I sat on my old red couch. It was the last time I enjoyed the living room with the bay window, the fireplace, and the walls I'd painted the most soothing light greyish blue. I miss the light … Continue reading Narcissistic Recovery: Move-Out Day
He wanted me to be a stay at home girlfriend. With his next raise, the next promotion, the next job. That was when he would be earning enough to make it happen, he would say with his chest swollen with pride and an all too familiar maniacal glint in his eye. When we met he … Continue reading Stay at home girlfriend
I looked at the new supply's Facebook profile again yesterday morning. I look every once in a while with the hope I'll see some indication she has ended her relationship with the Narcissist. I think of her with less and less frequency as time goes by, but always with a little internal prayer for the … Continue reading Relationships, Revelations, and Healing
I am triggered and my mental and emotional state respond accordingly. I am experiencing frustration with a client. Their behavior is reopening wounds that are already raw and irritated. Their behavior feels like being in a relationship with the Narcissist. No matter how many different ways I express to this client what their expectations should … Continue reading Narcissistic Recovery: PTSD Triggers
This is a throwback post; an entry from my journal from January 22, 2017. "Am in the air right now, flying back from DC. "We made history yesterday. Largest protest in US history. And, suddenly, news broadcasts have changed. The word 'liar' is finally being used. The term 'gaslighting' is being openly discussed. "I look … Continue reading We Made History: Women’s Rights March, 2017