Even years after going no contact the abuser will pop into your head sometimes. And it's okay to feel a burst of rage at them. It's okay to feel fury about all they did and all you've struggled to recover from. It's okay to have those moments. And it's reasonable and acceptable to lament their … Continue reading It’s okay to still be angry
If they tried to assert their dominance like they used to, you wouldn't care anymore. You would see them for who they are; a scared, frightened, cowardly soul who is unable to confront the reality of their existence.
The walls I've worked so hard to dismantle suddenly emerged from the ground on every side of me, and slammed closed with a massive clanging sound over my head. I was surrounded by heavy gray stone all around and above me. No doors, no windows, no light. Just me, huddled inside a cell of my own making, in self-enforced solitary confinement.
For the first time in ages, I have a Saturday with nothing on my calendar. One of the things that kept me so busy recently was a writing workshop on Creative Nonfiction. It was absolutely a delight, but it was also emotionally draining. The primary piece I submitted for critique was a longer, more thorough … Continue reading Regrets
I stayed in downward dog today for the entirety of the time the instructor asked. I took each deep breath. I centered myself physically and emotionally. I felt the stretch in the backs of my shoulders and my hamstrings. And my left shoulder, for the first time, did not give out on me. This is … Continue reading Narcissistic Recovery: Yoga
I've been very frustrated with my writing lately. Whenever I sit down to write I have a blog post as a goal. I've lost my ability to free-form write and get out what's in my heart without thinking of an audience. I know I'm not getting down first thoughts. I'm censoring myself. More importantly, I'm also … Continue reading Narcissistic Recovery: Cognitive Function
I did not have a full-blown PTSD episode yesterday. I was able to navigate it and stay present. I had a toothache and I went to the dentist. In testing cold sensitivity, he ran a q-tip with some liquid nitrogen on it across my tooth. The cold was horrible. I felt violated and angry to … Continue reading When the PTSD Hits (Warning: Potential Triggers)
I am a Virgo Sun (Libra cusp), Leo Moon, Cancer rising. To those in the know about astrology, this describes many important things about my personality. This is how I present to the world and who I am inside. It also illuminates my strengths and my challenges as I recover from Narcissistic Abuse. These are … Continue reading Astrology and Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse
Yesterday, I finally reached out to my tribe and asked for support. I was afraid of mockery, but I realized keeping to myself was reinforcing thought patterns saying I was unworthy of kindness...
Dear Facebook friends and family, I've been dishonest with you. I've withheld truths. I brought you along on last year's journey through posting in a '365 days of joy' photo album. Then I stopped talking to you as soon as the year ended. You were there for me each and every day last year. You … Continue reading Dear Facebook
I want to write for a living but I fear I'm a terrible writer. I am ashamed of my desires and think it's unlikely I'll succeed in realizing them. I sit here with my morning coffee and I want to cry. I want to weep for all I am not and am unlikely to ever … Continue reading Depressive Cycles: Learning What’s Real
I am trying to get better regarding my nutritional intake. I follow a Paleo lifestyle and have done so for years. Avoiding sugar, gluten and dairy is routine for me. Keeping my body nourished makes it easier to stay grounded and present. My brain stays with me rather than getting lost in past trauma. The … Continue reading Nutrition and Depression/Anxiety
I plan to see the gentleman again this week. It will be the third time we see each other. I am having anxious thoughts about kissing. Yet, as soon as I write those words I realize how silly that is. If he wants to kiss me and I'm not ready or willing I will say … Continue reading Sex and Self Respect
I am triggered and my mental and emotional state respond accordingly. I am experiencing frustration with a client. Their behavior is reopening wounds that are already raw and irritated. Their behavior feels like being in a relationship with the Narcissist. No matter how many different ways I express to this client what their expectations should … Continue reading Narcissistic Recovery: PTSD Triggers
This is a throwback post; an entry from my journal from January 22, 2017. "Am in the air right now, flying back from DC. "We made history yesterday. Largest protest in US history. And, suddenly, news broadcasts have changed. The word 'liar' is finally being used. The term 'gaslighting' is being openly discussed. "I look … Continue reading We Made History: Women’s Rights March, 2017