Yesterday morning, I bemoaned not having a partner to help me while I'm laid up with back pain. Later in the day, I found a solution. I hired someone from taskrabbit to come help me with some chores. I found a solution I'm comfortable with, and I'm proud of this. Here is what I wrote … Continue reading Taking care of business
recovery
Blinding Pain
"Blinding pain" is one of those expressions one reads and hopes to never fully understand. It's an apt description, though. There is a certain degree of pain that will make your vision swim, will make your world turn white. I never, before now, understood what a full 10 on a pain level scale felt like. … Continue reading Blinding Pain
A Day of Agonizing Pain
Is it normal for problems to become even more agonizingly painful shortly after starting physical therapy? At much urging from friends, I finally looked into seeing a physical therapist for my hip and lower back issues. My first appointment was Friday. Today is Wednesday. There are a few stretches and core strengthening exercises that were … Continue reading A Day of Agonizing Pain
It’s okay to still be angry
Even years after going no contact the abuser will pop into your head sometimes. And it's okay to feel a burst of rage at them. It's okay to feel fury about all they did and all you've struggled to recover from. It's okay to have those moments. And it's reasonable and acceptable to lament their … Continue reading It’s okay to still be angry
Relaxing about appearances
People often don't understand how much preparation and forethought I put into how I look for random gatherings and events. It isn't consistent. It varies according to my mood and anxiety level. If I'm going to the house of a close friend to watch a movie, or to a casual brunch, or to grab coffee … Continue reading Relaxing about appearances
Missing a Best Friend after a Break Up
Eight years ago this week I broke up with my best friend of twenty-five years. It had to be done. She had been verbally abusive and controlling when we were younger, and as we got older it became worse. This was true even though we lived on opposite sides of the country from one another. … Continue reading Missing a Best Friend after a Break Up
Story ideas: imagined interactions
I still have conversations in my head with the exN a lot. (exN = the narcissistic ex-partner, otherwise referred to as, "the Narcissist.") Often, I inadvertently fantasize about having to deal with him in some situation or another. Perhaps, he's sick. Or perhaps, it's some other reason. Somehow, he's in need and it's on me … Continue reading Story ideas: imagined interactions
A Relief From Responsibilities
Every year in July, my company holds a conference. Clients fly in from around the world for three days of lectures, workshops, training, and food and entertainment. For eight or so years, it's been my responsibility to run one of the three arms of the conference. Organizing the sessions and the presenters, getting clients to … Continue reading A Relief From Responsibilities
Love Doesn’t Mean Leaning
After a while you learn the subtle difference Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning And company doesn’t mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts And presents aren’t promises, And you begin to accept your defeats With your head up and your … Continue reading Love Doesn’t Mean Leaning
Narcissist Recovery: Boldness and the Return of Confidence
The Narcissist told me I was nothing. He led me to believe I was unintelligent, lacked motivation, wasn't attractive or sexy, wasn't pleasant to be around. He succeeded, for a long time. Until I started wondering why he needed to battle me so. #Narcissist
Letter from my Older Self to my Current Self
Dear Current Self, It's been thirty years since we lived with the Narcissist. Thirty years have gone by. The whole horrible experience seems like such a blip now. In the grand scheme of things, the relationship only lasted a very brief period of time. But those are the views of a 70-year-old. It is not … Continue reading Letter from my Older Self to my Current Self
Sex and Self Respect
I plan to see the gentleman again this week. It will be the third time we see each other. I am having anxious thoughts about kissing. Yet, as soon as I write those words I realize how silly that is. If he wants to kiss me and I'm not ready or willing I will say … Continue reading Sex and Self Respect
Relationships, Revelations, and Healing
I looked at the new supply's Facebook profile again yesterday morning. I look every once in a while with the hope I'll see some indication she has ended her relationship with the Narcissist. I think of her with less and less frequency as time goes by, but always with a little internal prayer for the … Continue reading Relationships, Revelations, and Healing
Narcissistic Recovery: PTSD Triggers
I am triggered and my mental and emotional state respond accordingly. I am experiencing frustration with a client. Their behavior is reopening wounds that are already raw and irritated. Their behavior feels like being in a relationship with the Narcissist. No matter how many different ways I express to this client what their expectations should … Continue reading Narcissistic Recovery: PTSD Triggers
We Made History: Women’s Rights March, 2017
This is a throwback post; an entry from my journal from January 22, 2017. "Am in the air right now, flying back from DC. "We made history yesterday. Largest protest in US history. And, suddenly, news broadcasts have changed. The word 'liar' is finally being used. The term 'gaslighting' is being openly discussed. "I look … Continue reading We Made History: Women’s Rights March, 2017