I still have conversations in my head with the exN a lot. (exN = the narcissistic ex-partner, otherwise referred to as, "the Narcissist.") Often, I inadvertently fantasize about having to deal with him in some situation or another. Perhaps, he's sick. Or perhaps, it's some other reason. Somehow, he's in need and it's on me … Continue reading Story ideas: imagined interactions
recovery
A Relief From Responsibilities
Every year in July, my company holds a conference. Clients fly in from around the world for three days of lectures, workshops, training, and food and entertainment. For eight or so years, it's been my responsibility to run one of the three arms of the conference. Organizing the sessions and the presenters, getting clients to … Continue reading A Relief From Responsibilities
Love Doesn’t Mean Leaning
After a while you learn the subtle difference Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning And company doesn’t mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts And presents aren’t promises, And you begin to accept your defeats With your head up and your … Continue reading Love Doesn’t Mean Leaning
Narcissist Recovery: Boldness and the Return of Confidence
The Narcissist told me I was nothing. He led me to believe I was unintelligent, lacked motivation, wasn't attractive or sexy, wasn't pleasant to be around. He succeeded, for a long time. Until I started wondering why he needed to battle me so. #Narcissist
Letter from my Older Self to my Current Self
Dear Current Self, It's been thirty years since we lived with the Narcissist. Thirty years have gone by. The whole horrible experience seems like such a blip now. In the grand scheme of things, the relationship only lasted a very brief period of time. But those are the views of a 70-year-old. It is not … Continue reading Letter from my Older Self to my Current Self
Sex and Self Respect
I plan to see the gentleman again this week. It will be the third time we see each other. I am having anxious thoughts about kissing. Yet, as soon as I write those words I realize how silly that is. If he wants to kiss me and I'm not ready or willing I will say … Continue reading Sex and Self Respect
Relationships, Revelations, and Healing
I looked at the new supply's Facebook profile again yesterday morning. I look every once in a while with the hope I'll see some indication she has ended her relationship with the Narcissist. I think of her with less and less frequency as time goes by, but always with a little internal prayer for the … Continue reading Relationships, Revelations, and Healing
Narcissistic Recovery: PTSD Triggers
I am triggered and my mental and emotional state respond accordingly. I am experiencing frustration with a client. Their behavior is reopening wounds that are already raw and irritated. Their behavior feels like being in a relationship with the Narcissist. No matter how many different ways I express to this client what their expectations should … Continue reading Narcissistic Recovery: PTSD Triggers
We Made History: Women’s Rights March, 2017
This is a throwback post; an entry from my journal from January 22, 2017. "Am in the air right now, flying back from DC. "We made history yesterday. Largest protest in US history. And, suddenly, news broadcasts have changed. The word 'liar' is finally being used. The term 'gaslighting' is being openly discussed. "I look … Continue reading We Made History: Women’s Rights March, 2017
Narcissistic Recovery: Last night’s date
I am joy filled this morning. Yesterday would have been the Narcissist's and my anniversary and I felt very little about it. On some level, though, I was feeling a little lonely yesterday. It surprised me a bit. After a week spent visiting family and needing to be "on" all the time, I was looking … Continue reading Narcissistic Recovery: Last night’s date
Narcissistic Recovery: Today was our anniversary
Today would have been our five year anniversary. And honestly, I couldn't have given any less of a fuck about it.
CBD and Depression
I had never thought of taking CBD for any reason until recently. I had heard of CBD but didn't really know what it was, beyond a vague understanding that it was somehow related to marijuana. When my back and neck seized up and I had a debilitating headache I couldn't get rid of for two … Continue reading CBD and Depression
Earning My Online Dating Stripes
Five years ago today, I wrote the following in a thread on Facebook: "I've done it [online dating], with no expectations at all -- just for fun. And it was fun, and I actually met a couple of guys that wound up becoming good friends of mine. I've been contemplating doing it again, too... but … Continue reading Earning My Online Dating Stripes
Narcissistic Recovery: Old Self vs New Self (Lessons Learned)
Joining Tinder has, as expected, given me the opportunity to practice post-Narcissistic Abuse lessons learned. I joined yesterday morning and am already seeing a huge difference in my approach towards dating. I first talked about Old Self vs New Self in the context of fear and an inability to engage with a man I found … Continue reading Narcissistic Recovery: Old Self vs New Self (Lessons Learned)
Look Out Tinder, Here I Come
I finally did it. I put myself back on Tinder. You guys... this is TERRIFYING. But also, very exciting. My emotional brain says I don't think anyone will swipe right on me. My logical brain says that's ridiculous, and it's silly to think men will not want to meet me. I'm really hoping, in doing … Continue reading Look Out Tinder, Here I Come