It is Sunday evening of Thanksgiving weekend and I have a glass of eggnog heavily dosed with brandy beside me. My Christmas tree was bought and decorated this weekend. I am admiring it as I type. Oliver the Cat is unimpressed A couple of friends helped me with the tree. We decorated while sipping a … Continue reading Ghosts of Christmas Past and Present
I spent the last week transported into the 1600s in Amsterdam. It was winter, and it was cold. And I was very much alone, and very lonely. The reading project is going well. I have made it through The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern and The Miniaturist by Jessie Burton, and have now moved on … Continue reading Thoughts On “The Miniaturist” by Jessie Burton, ADHD, and Loneliness
Even years after going no contact the abuser will pop into your head sometimes. And it's okay to feel a burst of rage at them. It's okay to feel fury about all they did and all you've struggled to recover from. It's okay to have those moments. And it's reasonable and acceptable to lament their … Continue reading It’s okay to still be angry
People often don't understand how much preparation and forethought I put into how I look for random gatherings and events. It isn't consistent. It varies according to my mood and anxiety level. If I'm going to the house of a close friend to watch a movie, or to a casual brunch, or to grab coffee … Continue reading Relaxing about appearances
Eight years ago this week I broke up with my best friend of twenty-five years. It had to be done. She had been verbally abusive and controlling when we were younger, and as we got older it became worse. This was true even though we lived on opposite sides of the country from one another. … Continue reading Missing a Best Friend after a Break Up
I kept turning away from the water and gazing towards the hills surrounding Nice. The lush greenery beckoned to me.
At the beginning of a relationship, things should feel good. If something feels off, it's worth noticing.
I'm still figuring out what I'm comfortable knowing about the dating lives of men I'm seeing. It's an area where my newness to polyamory is noticeable to me.
It's sad, and yet I suppose not terribly surprising, that I'm not used to an appropriate reaction to, "Something you do is hurting my feelings."
It feels utterly conditional. I am often very anxious about him, thinking there's a decent chance I'll never hear from him again, that something I say or do might all too easily cause him to disappear forever.
It's a feeling about a fantasy scenario. It's a big feeling, an intense feeling, and it's about a nonexistent situation.
Instead of, “Hey, this is nice. How lovely,” the heart screams, “Let’s think about how awful it will feel if this ends.”
Dating update: Polyamory.
"Are you okay? Your voice... You sounded a little tired or something. I thought I heard a little sigh there." I joked, "Well, so much for me having an acting career."
The walls I've worked so hard to dismantle suddenly emerged from the ground on every side of me, and slammed closed with a massive clanging sound over my head. I was surrounded by heavy gray stone all around and above me. No doors, no windows, no light. Just me, huddled inside a cell of my own making, in self-enforced solitary confinement.