It has come to my attention, yet again, that my self-esteem could use some work. This is common enough that it shouldn't continue to surprise me. And yet, here we are. My low self-esteem has once again been challenged, and once again I am surprised. This particular time stemmed from a misunderstanding. Someone mentioned an … Continue reading Day 15: Self-Esteem
It's easy to lose sight of good things when in the midst of a depressive spell. Please remember this: one can be thankful without feeling happy. I am thankful for my friendships. For the roof over my head, the hot water and heat that both work, the clothes I wear, the privileged life I lead. … Continue reading Depression and… feeling thankful?
I am 43 years old. I have been in the workforce since I was 14. I have been employed with my current company since I was 29. And until yesterday, I have never in my life asked for a raise. It's not clear to me when I first realized this was something I should, perhaps, … Continue reading Finding Courage To Ask For A Raise
Some folks are able to sit with their thoughts and quietly come to conclusions and make sense of their life. I am the opposite of that. Always have been. This results in me talking to friends incessantly, usually via various messaging platforms but sometimes in person or on the phone, too. To be honest, I've … Continue reading Being an external processor
With solo travel comes a type of loneliness that is freeing, but crushing. The need for connection is biological. It's how we're wired. And we wind up lacking it.
The walls I've worked so hard to dismantle suddenly emerged from the ground on every side of me, and slammed closed with a massive clanging sound over my head. I was surrounded by heavy gray stone all around and above me. No doors, no windows, no light. Just me, huddled inside a cell of my own making, in self-enforced solitary confinement.
Oh, vacations. Vacations were when it was the two of us and we would feel more connected, more bonded. Right? Yet that's never how it would actually happen. The Narcissist and I went to Hawaii's Big Island in the fall of 2016. It's on my mind lately as I watch the devastation caused by the … Continue reading Vacationing Without the Narcissist
I am a Virgo Sun (Libra cusp), Leo Moon, Cancer rising. To those in the know about astrology, this describes many important things about my personality. This is how I present to the world and who I am inside. It also illuminates my strengths and my challenges as I recover from Narcissistic Abuse. These are … Continue reading Astrology and Recovery from Narcissistic Abuse
Yesterday, I finally reached out to my tribe and asked for support. I was afraid of mockery, but I realized keeping to myself was reinforcing thought patterns saying I was unworthy of kindness...
I'm posting this for a loved one. And anyone else who might need it right now. Just remember: the things that make us unique are the things that make us awesome. Follow theblacksheepsurvives on instagram for more awesomeness like this. And since the image doesn't seem to want to appear in this post, here is … Continue reading The Joy of Being the Black Sheep
I am joy filled this morning. Yesterday would have been the Narcissist's and my anniversary and I felt very little about it. On some level, though, I was feeling a little lonely yesterday. It surprised me a bit. After a week spent visiting family and needing to be "on" all the time, I was looking … Continue reading Narcissistic Recovery: Last night’s date
This blog post is titled, “How Not to Answer, ‘How Are You?’” The alternate title I thought of was, “How to make everything really fucking awkward all the time for no reason at all.” Friend: How are you? Me: I’m... good? I think I’m good. I'm doing okay right now. Bad depressive cycle ended mid February … Continue reading How Not to Answer, ‘How Are You?’
Except for a few close friends in environments where I'm comfortable and feel safe, I've been mostly keeping to myself for the past year. This is why going to the friend's birthday party on Sunday was such a big deal to me. This is also why, until last night, I was the only person who … Continue reading When Social Anxiety Makes the Friends Suffer
I went to a birthday party for a friend last night. A large birthday party. With lots of people. I was terrified and had a couple meltdowns before leaving the house, but I made it there and got through the whole evening without having an anxiety attack. Woohoo! For the most part, it was delightfully … Continue reading Narcissistic Recovery: Oh how I’ve changed
Social Anxiety causes me to feel awkward around people, even those I've known for a dozen years and love dearly. Alcohol causes the filter of anxiety to release and everything I've been unable to speak of previously comes out in a torrent, for better or for worse. It's freeing and I enjoy the sensation. Lately, … Continue reading Social Anxiety and Alcohol